Falling on Deaf Ears...

It took for my husband to plead with me to take things slow for me to finally realise that I'm still taking on too much.

It has been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed with a spinal infection that would've left me paralysed from the waist down or at its worst, no longer be here and yet it still did not register with me what the impact on my family would've been.

I was talking with my husband about wanting to do something mid-year at church and working with young people.  While mindful that I still have my assignment to do that is due on Monday (already extended), photo jobs to finish (well overdue), commitments at work as well as family and church commitments.  It was beginning to bother me that in sharing some ideas for church with him I was not receiving any kind of support from him but instead listened to his frustration about taking so much on.  When he talked about my health, in my mind and my heart I felt like "oh health, schmealth.  What is health?" and feeling that my health was getting in the way of wanting to serve my great GOD.

Now I fully understand the importance of taking care of oneself so that I can serve God longer but it just was not in my list of priorities right now.  I know that sounds so silly but I'm the kind of person that when I set my mind to doing something especially when I feel strongly about it, I will do my best to see it through.  But it was all at a cost - my health!

Our heated conversation quickly came to a stop despite trying to seek further clarification from him about what he was feeling.  And in that awkward silence I was trying to understand what it was about me that wasn't taking the messages, the warnings from my husband, my family and friends to take it easy.  Had this been happening to someone else, of course I would feel a little frustrated in telling them to take it easy but instead they did the opposite and did almost everything under the sun on their list.  But the message just wasn't sinking in with me.

And then it dawned on me.  I love my GOD and absolutely believe in what He can do for me and my family.  Referring to the 5 Love Languages, my love language is Service.  I feel that my way of expressing my love to God is by serving Him by any means.  For my husband or anyone for that matter to tell me to take it easy especially when it comes to doing things at church (in my mind serving God) I felt like I was being told to not express my love for Him.

I do so much for my God because I absolutely love Him and He has given me no reason to believe that my life can be better without Him.  And so I serve Him with every ounce of energy in my body.  And yet as I am of the flesh, I do not realise how much of a strain it is taking on my body.  My husband felt that I was being selfish in doing so much and not thinking about our family in the sense that I was driving myself into the ground.  When he said that I couldn't understand how serving God was being selfish when I'm thinking that what I do are acts of selflessness instead.  He felt that I always do above and beyond and again I was confused because I felt like ..."well isn't that how it should be?".

In previous blogs I wrote about feeling that I did not deserve to rest and that I should always be working hard.  I know that what I'm feeling is definitely not about that.  I am confident that what I do at church and in my service to God is not to please others but to only please my God.  But the message/advice my husband gave me was to serve within my capacity.  Even in the bible it talks of the great men of God having to delegate to others.  I am of the mindset that if nobody does it then who will?.  And yet I always...ALWAYS feel that... well if nobody does it then I will.

I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I do push myself really hard.  But I think on this occasion I really need to take things at a slower pace.  There's a reason why our journey with Jesus is called a "walk".

One Step at a Time.

xxxxxxx

When the feeling of failure settles in...

Now I know better to allow any feeling of failure settle into my mind and heart after such an awesome weekend of servitude and blessings!  But at the moment the feelings are settling in.

So this weekend past was my first Sunday preaching.  Not that it should matter what day of the week you preach, because the day of the week is irrelevant.  I preached a message about "Becoming a ChangeThinker" at our first BUILD UP service which our youth group Bless'Em organised.  It has been such a full-on week which has definitely led me to over-exert myself.  Not because I wouldn't delegate to others and share the load.  But because I had a standard, and expectation of how the first service should be and so I did my best to see that through.  Evaluating the weeks leading up to the service and the service itself, I think miscalculated the importance of certain things among others.

I am trying to develop a style of preaching that allows me to be frank, honest and relate-able.  Developing this new style has helped me to control my emotions when I preach.  It's so difficult to do when I talk about how great my God is.  What triggers my emotions is the desperation to convince people that a life with God is so good, and that they are really missing out.

I received a lot of positive feedback but I couldn't help but feel surprised because I doubted myself straight away.  Now I know that is really stupid and I'm not writing this to get sympathy comments from people.  But I am putting it out there and wonder whether other preachers feel the same.  The feeling of..."Did I do a good job?".

Now knowing that if this was someone else sharing this with me, I would say to not doubt yourself.  If you feel that the message you received is one that you felt God wanted to share then there is no room for doubt.  The result was that there were 9 souls saved.  Not that it was due solely to the Word, but a collective ministering by the youth....well actually only God will really know what part of the service really touched these 9 souls.

I know I'm being really silly.  I did not fail.  I set out to do my best.  My aim was to set the standard/expectation on organising a service that reflects the perspective of Kingdom residents.  I believe I achieved that.  My hope is that it really has encouraged our congregation to widen their perspective in serving God with a renewed mind.

My encouragement from last night's service was based on Romans 12:2 NLT.  It will take time to come to understand God fully.  For some of us it will take a lifetime, for others much sooner.  But once we make the decision, once we change our minds to allow Him to make a dramatic change in our lives, we will see in His timing how GOOD and PLEASING and PERFECT our life can be with Him.  And it will be so great that we will want to tell others about it.

My life is good right now.  It is a journey that I'm taking.  And I'm prepared to put in the hard work.  I have done what I can in my service.  Now it's time to do things for myself, and get my personal goals back into perspective.  The next time I preach....I aim to be smaller physically, bigger spiritually and mentally!!!

Be encouraged xxxxx

What Happens in a Month??

How rude!! It's been over a month since I've last written....

So many things have happened over the past month.  But in saying that...there are so many things that have not...One in particular is to do with my health.  Now I k now I live a very busy life and a lot of that is self inflicted, and I am now feeling in the pit of my stomach borderline hypocritical.  I think it hit me when I was having coffee with one of my clients who is getting married in June.  We ordered dinner, and she said to me..."What happened to the "New Me"?"....exactly! She was right!!!

The Old Me is finding it's comfy seat within me...and is about to settle.  I have so many things I want to do and with my obligations at church and with my family picking up again...I know that I am putting myself in the back seat again.  If you could see the inside of my mind write now I'm pretty should you would be standing at the edge of a motorway with everyone rushing to wear they need to go at 200km/hr.

I am now feeling like I have made promises to myself....and I am breaking them.  Though at the same time I'm feeling like...I'll just dedicate this time to what I need to do for God and for my family...and then I'll make some time for myself.  With my first Sunday preaching fast approaching I know that it will be a true testament to even myself to be up on stage at the size that I am...and thinking...this has got to stop.  I cannot continue to serve God in this thick shell I have right now!!!  I need to get myself right....physically.

Spiritually I am feeling really blessed with the awesome messages I have been listening to, and the messages that I feel God is giving me for this preaching.  I have so many things I feel I need to say but trying to say it in a way that will reach as many people as possible is a little difficult.  But I know that relying on the Holy Spirit to help put together the right words will do the trick :)

I feel like sometimes I need a massive whiteboard in my mind to help me prioritise things but I think it's really to waste time writing lists.  I'm a huge lists person and I love to write lists for the sake of writing them.  Doesn't necessarily mean I'll get everything done, but it does feel good to cross things out.

I will try to write more as it does give me some relief.  Especially over the next couple of weeks leading up to our 10th wedding anniversary night away.  I'm really looking forward to it 'cause I do miss my love.  But I know the trip will be worth it :)

Okay.....I need to get onto my domestic duties.  If anything writing today has helped me to get things back into perspective.  Which ironically is what my preaching is about  :)....Learning to Change our perspective :) xxxx

He is My Centre

I put this as my status on FB today "You know for a while things had been a little stagnant at church....so I decided to change seats....moving from the back of the church to the front....and I tell ya....BOOOM!!!! I am feeling it all over again....If you're finding yourself getting comfortable and eventually getting bored and distracted...then maybe all you need to do is CHANGE WHERE YOU SIT!!!....blessings y'all! Good to be home xxx"  


It's been a while since something felt so true as that statement did for me today.  The last couple of weeks since moving to another seat in church my perspective has changed.  It's the same with taking a picture, one photographer has a different perspective to another.  I feel so very blessed to be at the front and to feel in the amidst of worship and to hear His word, His encouragement hit me at full volume than as a faded whisper when you sit at the back.


I feel so relaxed despite being as busy as I am.  I am really appreciating everything that I'm doing.  With my healthy journey I'm receiving comments from those around me saying that I'm looking slimmer. I stand in front of the mirror and see little changes.  My response to their comments is..."I feel really happy".  What a freedom that brings me to say that I am honestly happy.  Of course there are always ways we wish our lives could be better, but how can feel happy in those times if we don't appreciate the times we are in now.


Worship today was awesome.  Not really any different to any other day, but only because I'm at the front of the church now, each lyric and musical note hits my heart like an arrow hits its target.  The words in one particular song  really put me in my place.  My girls are singing it right now as they lay in bed.


Jesus at the centre of it all

From beginning to the end

It will always be

It's always been you

Jesus, Jesus

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

Jesus you're the centre

Everything revolves around you

Jesus, you, at the centre of it all

Singing this song I reflect on our 10th wedding anniversary coming up in a couple of months.  There have been so many milestones reached in my life.  And from the very start when I left home 11 years ago, I remember promising God that if it was His will for me to leave home then everything I do I will dedicate to Him.  And since then, as I have blogged about before...I cannot describe in words the blessings that He has given me over the years.  And even now with doing photography, God has blessed me with meeting beautiful families, making new friends, sharing a part of my life with them, and them with me.  I am so absolutely blessed.  My temple will be in the condition God intended for me.  I am determined to get there!

I am preparing for my first Sunday sermon as a preacher at the end of next month.  I feel that God is speaking to me and planting messages in my heart about encouraging his people to make a move regardless of how big or small that movement is....it's a move...and that's what God wants.  I am excited and praying for spiritual fulfilment so that whatever encouragement I share on the night will be what He wants me to share.

My life is beyond what I thought it would be 11 years ago.  He has blessed me with so much more....and I am truly thankful and it's all because I have made Jesus the Centre of My Life!!!! so blessed xxxxxx

Here's the video clip of the song for you to enjoy xxx Jesus be the Centre by Israel Houghton

Laying It Down

It's been a long time since I shared the goings on in my life.  I have been so busy and at times felt overwhelmed with my photography that I have taken on.  God has been so good to provide for me and my family.

Dan preached today's message fr the first time this year.  I always feel proud to hear and see him serving in our church.  Well actually for anything for that matter.  Seeing him at work makes me feel so much more confident in where he believes our family should be led.

Today's message was simple in that we need to plan the year ahead.  Set goals and prepare for the opportunities and the unexpected things that prop up.  Pray - Link - Apply and Never give up.  Awesome encouragement to remind us to have continuous conversations with our God in everything that we do.  I was remembered that I need to link with the right people to see God's plan through in my life.  We can only go so far with certain people in our lives.  When we feel that we've reached the end of the relationship then we need to be thankful for that time and then move on and continue with God's plan.  Application is always key to any plans being made.  Putting to action the plans we've developed.  I sometimes put a lot of pressure on myself to follow through with what I've promised but at the same time I need to keep a balance of what I have going on in my life.  Lastly, never giving up.  I am not going to give up on my journey to improve my health.  My husband is so motivated right now which is exciting for me.  Today I felt good about myself.  The way I dressed to go to church.  I had blogged about some time ago that I no longer am going to feel so down about myself with the size that I'm at right now, because I know this is only temporary.  But I really did feel pretty today :) and my husband stared at me in the same way he did when we got married.  As embarrassing as it was for me to be on the other end of those long stares, it felt good to be the apple of my husband's eye again :)

The other key message that stood out for me today came through in a song that our worship band hadn't sung in a while.  An old "Katina's" track.  I'm "laying it down for the joy of the Lord".  With all that we have going on in our lives it takes an action by us to lay our burdens down so that we can see the glory of God.  So that we can enjoy what God has set for us.  We build a wall around us that prevents us from really seeing the blessings that we have in our lives.  That song reminded me to push aside all that makes me unhappy to see how happy I can really be.

For 2012 don't waste your time on things that don't add any value to your life, because you will miss out on the value that is already there!!! xxx