When my situation challenges my perceptions of myself...

Since the life-threatening illness I had last year which I have since been cleared of in March, when I fall sick with something as simple as the flu...I fall hard!

I'm now into my first day staying home (but 2/3rd day feeling sick) and the left side of my face is swollen.  It is weighing heavily on my mind that I have had to cancel on a few things this weekend.  I hate disappointing people and not fulfilling what I set out to do for others.  But I sit here with my temperature going up and down all day.  Feeling cold, feeling hot, feeling drowsy. With a sore throat and red swollen face.  What will it take for me to slow down?! What will it take for me to re-prioritise my life?!  My health was priority for sometime last year, and how quickly it was for everything else to be placed above it as soon as I could start moving around and doing things again.

I love everything that I do in my life but it is so hard to pick and choose the things that I will need to give up either permanently or temporarily for the sake of my health!  I have some big decisions to make, and though I have the support of my family it really is me that is holding me back!  I need to lean more on my faith in that God will provide for me and my family!

I think my concern with leaving my career to be a stay-at-home mum is the thought of perhaps losing who I am.  As working has been a big part of my life in supporting my parents back home and now my family.  I know no other way than to contribute financially to family.  I feel that motherhood comes naturally and is not a contribution but something that I just do.  Now this is my own perspective and have total respect for those of my family and friends who are stay-at-home mothers.  But I often think that it is something that I don't think I can do.  Perhaps because I am thinking about how to juggle everything with work in my life.  My loving husband has complete faith and confidence that we will be okay, but I don't seem to share the same vision..yet.

I googled some articles/blogs on the topic of career vs staying at home for christian mums.  I love reading about how they rely so much on their faith.  Now just having a conversation with my husband he has convinced me of the benefits for our family.  So I am feeling better about what may lie ahead for me.  We will sit down as a family and decide what the future will bring.  God has done so much for me and I think it is time to start a new chapter in my life.  My parents have always told me that they would never worry about me because they knew I would be okay.  ....and I think I will be... :)

xx

Give someone a bit of freedom...and what do they do?

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying ...(trying being the operative word) to study for my exam that was last Thursday and since then I've been relishing in my down time with having to do nothing.  But like my title says...give me a little bit of freedom and you'll see me staying up late, playing facebook games for up to 4 hours straight! and now I have a sty developing and dry skin from lack of sleep...my body is absolutely worn out!  Sheesh!  I have to remember that I'm not young anymore and staying up so late can do damage to my body especially if I'm needed to save the world the next day...well for my girls anyway..with things like "Mum, where's my socks?" and "Mum, what do I do? WHAT CAN I DO? I can't go to sleep!"...argh!  So now I am focussing on heading to bed before 10pm each night.

Over the weekend I've been sharing the message of forgiveness.  I talked with my Sunday School class about the scripture  (Genesis 45) that talks about Joseph forgiving his brothers for selling him off as a slave because they were jealous of their father's love for their brother.  In that scripture I shared a few points that I picked up in the reading.  The first being about acceptance.  In revealing himself to his brothers (at this point over the Joseph had been removed from the prison he was held and became like a ruler living in the Pharaoh's house.  His brothers had come to Egypt seeking to buy some grain as there was little food available at that time), Joseph had accepted that he was sold as a slave by his brothers.  Personally I believe their is a process to forgiveness.  The first step is acceptance (read the 7 steps of grief which comes before these steps - http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html).  In order for Joseph to forgive his brothers fully he needed to accept what had happened to him.  Accept his situation.  Accept that at times the people we deal with are just the way they are.  They come with a different sets of values, beliefs and habits.  We can't go into relationship thinking that we can change them.  That's not our job but God's.  And over time that is exactly what God had done for Joseph's brothers.  After selling their brother Joseph, the brothers had been stricken with so much guilt and seeing the pain their father had endured over the years from missing his son Joseph, they were presented with test (Joseph had planted a silver cup in their sacks to test his brothers if they had changed) and this time they fought for their youngest brother Benjamin.

An extension to this step is to understand that their is a reason, a plan for you and I.  Joseph realised this also and assured his brothers that it was God's plan for him to go through what he did so that he would be a grow to be a stronger and wiser man.  And he did, God moved him out of the prison and into the Pharaoh's house becoming the Pharaoh's trusted adviser.  Now how is that for God's great plan for Joseph's life.  I'm certain that if I were in the same position I would be questioning everything to try and understand why I would be sold as a slave and then end up in prison.  But that is our problem at times, and God understands us being human (and flawed) that when we are so entrenched into a situation that we don't see beyond it.  Our vision is blurred by what is happening in front of us that we don't see above the cloud of confusion and anger and frustration.  I talked further to explain this about Jesus delivering his sermon on the mount.  I likened our situation to what Jesus did.  In order for him to deliver the messages he needed to move beyond the crowd and preach from the mount.  At times...actually many times it is difficult for me to see beyond the current situation to be able to see and communicate more clearly.

The next step in this process is about forgiveness but an extension to that is the action to "seal the deal".  When Joseph revealed himself to his brothers and told them he had forgiven them, he kissed each of his brothers and then hugged his brother Benjamin to whom he was closest to.  I think about situations where we have forgiven people, but have we truly forgiven them?  How will we react when we see them again?  Will we be all smiles when we see them again, or will that feeling that is in the pit of our stomach find its way to the tip of our tongue where we just have to bring it all up again?  For Joseph a true test of his forgiveness was his reaction when he saw his brothers again.  As Benjamin was the closest to Joseph he paid more attention to him by giving him a hug.  We forget that those we are closest to, in our process of forgiveness, needs to be given more attention without discounting the relationships that we have with others.

So in that scripture, I was reminded that I need to accept certain situations in my life with an understanding that there is a greater plan for me, and going through these situations will only make me stronger and wiser.  Personally, I always remind myself about that when I forgive others, have I truly forgiven them?

There are some relationships that we must accept have run its course, and there are others that need a lot of work to keep the relationship going.  We need to choose which of those relationships to run with and which of those we need to let go of.

My trip home...

Recently I spent some time with my family in Auckland while my brother and his family returned home for a few weeks.  My trip started off with spending $180 before I had even reached my parent's place when we arrived in Aux....so this is how I did it...I was running late to the airport to leave Wellington and was picked up by a young copper for speeding in a 50km zone (oops), and then on the way I was annoyed with my youngest brother for telling me that my parents (my mother having only recently had an operation on her knee) were picking us up from the airport because ..wait for it..."We're all too busy to pick you up".  Now those words are in quotation marks because I'M ANALYTICAL like that!!!...Honestly it is my vice!!!  So taking that comment and all the anger within me building up I sternly advised my brother via text to tell my parents not to pick us up and that we (my daughters and I) will catch the shuttle to their place.

After an hour flight, one hot chocolate and chocolate biscuit we arrived at the Auckland Domestic Airport.  You'd think I would have calmed down especially after praying for a safe flight but no I made a bee-line towards our luggage.  Grabbed our bags and said "Let's go girls we're catching a cab!".  Even after being told by our driver that it would cost me $50 to get to my parents house, I was still as stubborn as ever to prove a point to my youngest brother.  As the meter continued to tick beyond $20, $30, $40, $50...I thought to myself that my brother was learning a lesson from this...when my credit card was swiped for a $60 cab fare the thought sunk into my thick head that I had already spent nearly $200 because of my stupidity and anguish ...nobody is learning a lesson here but me!!! IT NEVER PAYS TO SPEND MONEY WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY...but most of all...forgiveness will set me free....and a good jab to my brothers ribs :P

I was glad to be back home with my parents but equally as happy to spend some time with my brothers and their families.  A lot of my time in Auckland was spent with my niece and nephews and hanging out with my close family.  I have confessed that when I head back home my bad habits begin to return.  More so my behavioural bad habits.  There were many opportunities God had given me during our holiday to think about how I need to change my behaviour in order to fulfil His plan for my family.  God gave me an opportunity to meet with a family member that helped me make a life changing decision on my 30th.  I decided at that time that I would no longer have a social drink.  I remember that day as if it were yesterday...talking to my family about his then commitment to walk with God while holding a toxic mix of cherry alcohol in my hand was such a wake-up call.  In what I am about to fulfil in His plan for my life, it would be difficult for people to see beyond the glass of cherry juice to the message I want to share with them.

I had another opportunity to share with the youth from my home church.  I was asked to share a message from John 20 : 19 - 23.  As I read the scripture there were four key messages that stood out to me.  The first being about having peace within in order to hear what God has called us to do.  ha! I thought to myself...well I didn't exactly have peace within when I arrived in Auckland...Jesus appeared to His disciples after he was crucified and said to them "Peace be with you".  Interesting that these were his first words to them.  Knowing that the disciples would be amazed at how their Lord would appear before them especially after they had seen him die in the cross He knew that they would be in hysterics.  The word "peace" brings exactly that to your heart when spoken.  So there it is ....we need to have peace within ...

The second message was understanding that we are sent with a purpose..that is to share the goodness and greatness of our God in our lives.  Jesus said to His disciples "just as my Father has sent me, so I will send you".  How great is that direction.  Short and simple.  Live life with purpose.  We are called to do something great with the gift (life) we have been given.  With our gift he blesses us with talents to be used in all that we do.  You were made for much more...if you haven't discovered what your purpose is in life, I pray that it is revealed to you sooner rather than later.

The third message was for us to receive the Holy Spirit.  We go through believing that we can do things on our own, with no help.  And there will be times where we can do things on our own however the reality is, we will need some help along the way.  The Holy Spirit was sent to help us in everything that we do.  Our God is so great that He knows we will need all the help we can get in this life.

Finally, Jesus tells us to forgive others.  Oh how I believed this message was for me when I read it.  Forgiveness is like a key, it releases so much baggage that is unnecessary in your life.  Your journey is burdened by so much when you carry such a load.  It takes you twice as long to walk your journey in this life. So why not release your baggage by forgiving those who have affected you in such a way that....you end up paying $60 for a cab ride home because you were stubborn! :)

So that was my message to the youth group.  It was such a blessing to have the opportunity to share with them.  It was great seeing them all grown up and embarking in their young adult life.  I hope that there is another opportunity to share again with them.

There is so much more to share about my trip, but for now I will leave you with this message of finding peace within, understanding your purpose in this life, receiving help from your Helper and finally releasing your burdens with forgiveness!

xxx