Running the World...

This post is inspired by the change that has happened in my life of late and Beyonce :)
I came across this youtube clip of Beyonce called "Year of 4".  It's the behind-the-scenes look at the making of her current album.

There were many parts in the clip that I felt mirrored how I have been feeling.  I wish I could say that we mirrored the same lifestyle, fame and riches...but no..that is not God's plan for me :).  It's the busyness that she creates because of feeling that she has something to say to the world through her music.  She talked about fans greeting her, thanking her, and most of the time she doesn't remember what they say because in her mind she is thinking about the next gig, the next concert, the next shoot.  There have been many moments lately when someone would talk to me about their day, ask for some direction and I have zoned out of the conversation focussing only on what I need to do next for our church's launch, my school work, work, my family.  In all this busyness my health is still no where at the top of my list.

Leading up to our launch held on the weekend I found myself tossing and turning in bed because I was thinking about the things that needed to be done.  I know that I need a break and I believe God is giving me that rest period now.  By Monday I felt mentally exhausted.  My body feels drained.

I've had some really good and inspiring conversations with people around me about a range of things.  It is always great to surround yourself with people who will build you up spiritually and mentally.  It's good to hear another perspective.  But it is always good to have an open heart to receive it, because sometimes that perspective can really hurt.  I have a lot of thinking to do (as if I haven't done so much already) about where my life is heading and the plans I think God wants me to fulfil.

In the video clip, Beyonce talks about her take on "running the world" and I contemplate on the last six weeks and my potential plans for the future.  What do I need to do to "run the world" for God? for myself? for my family?  All that I can think about is that I need to be physically, mentally and spiritually fit.  That is key to doing so many things.  A good friend once asked me about the ramifications of not attending church frequently.  I likened it to not doing any exercise.  If we don't do regular exercise (attend a church regularly) and eat healthily (read His Word etc) how can we expect our bodies to run 5km.  Our bodies will only put out what we put in.  As I type this I'm thinking...I know...I know...how can I expect to think properly and finish my assignment if I'm not taking care of myself!!!.  We can't expect to have our prayers answered or for God to perform blessings in our lives if we do not attend a church regularly, or fellowship with others regularly.

So that says it all...for me to "run the world" I need to, once again, take care of ME!!!  not next week or tomorrow.....NOW!!!! (and so I pour out the rest of my coke :p)

xxxxx

A tourist or a resident...

The message over this weekend has made me think a lot about commitment.  I headed this post as such because I often think about whether people attend a church to visit or do they make themselves a member therefore being a resident in their congregation.

As tourists, we don't settle in a place, because depending on the purpose of the trip or journey we are satisfied with only being there for a short period of time.  Our trip or journey seems fun and exciting.  We meet people for the first time.  Hang out with them a few times and then we say our goodbyes.  We often do things that we wouldn't normally do, probably because it doesn't matter too much if we embarrass ourselves or step out of our comfort zone because we won't be around for much longer.

This is similar to "visiting" a church.  We often make the effort because we know that we are only there for a short period of time.  We make an effort to say hello and have fun with people because ...hey...I'll be heading out soon.  I often think that there are times where we don't want to settle in a place/church because we don't want the honeymoon stage to fade out.  We move from place to place, church to church because we enjoy the honeymoon periods everywhere we go.

But to become a "resident" takes true courage, commitment and faith.  Staying permanently means that you will be faced with seasons.  Just as you would living in a country.  There will be summers, winters, autumns and springs.  With each season it takes courage to endure the heat, the storms, the wind and then finally the new beginnings.

Thinking about the people's comings and goings in church, I feel sad for those who say "yes I'll be there", "I'll come next week" or "I'll give it a miss".  It isn't so much about the attendance, but really an opportunity to connect with others and with God.  I don't think people really give themselves a chance to try again.  Just as we forgive others and give second chances.  Why can't we do the same to ourselves?  Could this be why we give up and not go to church at all, or go for the wrong reasons?  You can still attend church and not give yourself a chance to really hear the message.

"tourist" or "resident"...when I moved down, I was a visitor.  It felt really nice to always see the good side of people when they greet you, when they take you out for lunch.  But sooner or later, the honeymoon stage fades away.  Though I have been attending my church for 10 years, it was until 4 or 5 years ago, I realised that I can't find satisfaction anywhere else.  My spirit is fulfilled in my church.  I became a resident.

This week is leading up to the launch of our new brand for church.  We are excited about the opportunities that lie ahead with this change.  We are celebrating the courage to change with the times and stepping out of our comfort zones and letting everyone know about it.  I think this Sunday our church is confirming and making a public announcement that we are "residents" of our church...

Stay tuned xxx

As white as Snow...

Wellington is experiencing some beautiful weather...SNOW!!!  Dan and I had always talked about planning a trip to take our girls to experience fun in the snow...and what a blessing it has been to have it fall in our own back yard.  It has been such a distraction to me, even while driving I admire how beautiful the snowflakes fall on my windscreen.  For the last couple of days I have been opening all the curtains in the house and squealing like a little kid as if Christmas has dawned upon us.

It's my last week at work before I start on my journey to a better and healthier me.  With all stresses of late, this beautiful weather has washed away every feeling of sorrow and stress.  Even in my last week, work has picked up, things for church has picked, my assignment is now due, photos need to be edited.....crazy!!! But loving it!!!

There is a song that we sing at church about Jesus' blood washing away our sins as white as snow.  Looking outside my window everything is completely covered in beautiful white soft snow.  Everything seems fresh and new, as my soul is cleansed each time I ask for forgiveness as the words of the song goes.  Feeling the snowflakes fall on my face and my palms, for a moment my worries do fall away from my mind.  Playing in the snow with my girls has brought me back to feeling like a kid again.

It really is the simplest things in life that bring you the most joy.  That remind you of how happy your life can be if from time to time you relax and enjoy the company of those around you, or even just to be still and listen to the rustling of leaves on the ground.  I spent over an hour in the snow with my family.  Normally I would be caring about the house being a mess, dinner needing to be prepared but today it was for me and my family.

My husband's family are mourning the death of a close family member.  It is always a shock when someone close to us has been taken from us so suddenly.  We are left with regretting last moments spent in anger or frustration.  We spend time wishing those last moments had seen love.  In these times of sadness, it is family that bring us together.  Words of encouragement are shared.  We never really experience true loss until it happens to someone very close to us.  I am learning to celebrate the life they led, and the time I have had with them.

I said to my youngest the other night that I loved her and her sister very much and she sobbed. She didn't know why she was sobbing.  Bless her heart.  I'm sitting at the dining room table with my husband, and my girls sitting opposite me.  Looking at them, I see in each of them the time I have shared with them.  The moments we shared in love, sadness, frustration, happiness.  I am blessed to have such a beautiful family.

As stressful as my last few weeks have been, and the coming weeks will be I am thankful that for the last few days and for the coming days I can look out my window and see how beautiful it is to see snow at my doorstep.

Loving life and all its intricacies... xx

I just want to serve....

Now how was that for a service....my earlier blog was about, in essence, that only God can see the effort that I put in for Him.  And that was the message at our evening service.  I felt as though God had plucked the words from my blog and fed them through my Pastor tonight.

God reminded me again during service tonight that he can see my effort, my heart, my service.  I cried my heart out when I got home and shared with my husband.  My head hurts from going over and over in my mind my intentions to serve.  I believe it is good practice to keep "checking" yourself, especially with someone who knows you completely.  They will ask you the right questions like "Are you sure you're not doing this to please man?".

I know that I am over the "trying to please" certain people in my life, because I know that limits my ability to fully serve.  I have accepted that I will not have all the solutions, the ideas, the skills to fulfil a need.  There is a reason why God created so many different people.  We all have something to offer.  I had not felt this emotional in such a long time.  Full of frustration.  I have concluded that it is my feelings of wanting to give God my best, and seeing others in influential positions (what I perceive) not taking full advantage of the opportunities that present itself.  I know that everyone has a different approach, and sometimes I think it's a curse that I put so much expectation on others and even myself, but it's only my desire to want to give my best is where this all stems from.  I remember my husband describing me as someone who gives God my all without compromise.  But then in saying that I feel my relationship with my girls is breaking down.  I love my girls so much, but feel that lately we are not connecting on a level we should be as mother and daughters. I really need to re-evaluate the things that I have in my life.  I know that I am not doing everything I do to please anyone but my God.  But as I sit here, I think...what is giving me the impression that He isn't pleased with me???  Have there been any signs lately where God is trying to tell me that I am going the wrong way???
There hasn't been any signs....

I feel like a pressure cooker...waiting let some steam out.  In times like this, I know that I need to exercise my spirit, body and mind.  This week I will focus on my spirit first.  Spending time focussing on God and listening for His voice.  I will "Be Still" so that I can hear Him.  I will focus on my relationship with my girls and my husband.  I have neglected them lately, and not giving them the love they need from me as their mum and wife.  I will focus on my body in eating right and going for walks.  I will focus on my mind.  Exercising my brain to come up with ideas to serve God in my family, my church and my workplace...argh! and my school work! Assignment due in 10 days!!!...oh my life :)

I am thankful for everything that I have.  And continue to look forward to the goodness that He has prepared for me.

My encouragement for you this week....keep reminding yourself of your intention to do the things you do...especially in serving God!! xx

Flags and things...

On the outside I look calm.  Sitting at my dining room table.  My girls are playing in the room with their guest.  I look at my ceiling and my walls where coloured flags hang from last night's Spanish Fiesta with girls from our church youth group.....but inside my mind I feel like I'm in the middle of a glass room, screaming my lungs out but the glass room doesn't seem to break.  No matter how hard I scream, not even a crack appears on what seems a fragile surface.

Looking and the flags in my living and dining room, they may appear to others someone who is over the top when it comes to putting on a little dinner.  Someone who pleases others and perhaps not her own family.  Someone who does too much for her own good.  But to me, I try to let these coloured flags remind me of the lengths I would go to, to serve my good Lord.  My aim with these youth nights with our girls from church is to show them that with a little bit of effort you can enjoy a night at home without having to search the world to find things that are not good for your spirit or your body that you think may fulfil you.  It has been our third youth girls night and I'd like to keep encouraging myself that they are worth the effort.  The numbers were small last night, but I was encouraged by the fun that we had and by including an older member of church in learning about his latin american culture, I felt there was a spirit of inclusivity.

Our church is going through change at the moment.  Change that will see our church break the mould with the conservative though pentecostal samoan churches.  We are embracing the changes in society while making Jesus Christ continue to be the focus of change in anyone's lives and their families.  I have so many ideas in my mind to help our Pastor with making the change.  My heart is to want our "Launch" service to be a great opportunity where people, families and friends can come along and get to know us and the purpose of our church community with the hope of course they will want to be a part of our vision in building lives and families to impact communities.

But today, I just felt this build up of emotion swell up and burn my throat. Fighting back the tears of frustration  I had so many thoughts running through my mind of feeling unappreciated and discarded.  My spirit is telling me that this is all silly because like I say, people base their opinions on the little information they have or are given.  So I know that not everyone would realise the nights that I stay up late trying to come up with ways to help our Pastor and our church community to make the most of this opportunity to serve God.  So how can I be angry at anyone, when only God knows how much effort and work I put into things.  Yes there is a bit of money spent on things, but they were spent with good intent.  My heart is always and will be to do what I can to serve our God.  I know that he will bless me and my family for the time and service that I give.

The flags in my house are a range of pinks, purples, greens, yellows, oranges and blues.  They are bright, fun, and do give you the sense of feeling carefree.  I look at them thinking..."don't worry too much about others opinions of your service...keep doing what you are doing....God sees it"....and that's all that matters!!