Reflections, Reflections

How quickly has this year gone!!!  January 1st tomorrow!

It's a beautiful day in Wellington today, and I'm sitting up in bed with the curtains drawn.  Girls are in their room watching the Cinderella Story DVD for the upteenth time and Dan is crashed out.

It's amazing how the last day/weeks of the year can bring people to reflect on their lives and make plans to change things for the better in the year to come.  There are so many status changes about reflections in facebook at the moment.

Because I'm a "list" person, my reflections for 2010 are:

• First three months I had set a goal and had lost some weight...
• Passed one paper in the first semester, transferred the other...
• Hitting May, I fell sick...
• out of work for three months!!
• So many family members stayed with us to help...
• Bought new house in July - thank you God!
• Back to work in Aug was hard!
• My God-father passed away... :(
• Moved into our new house in September - thank you God
• Taken on so much and feeling really exhausted
• Projects for church were a success - Movie fundraiser, Volleyball tournament, Photo fundraiser
• Holiday in November with my lil family was AWESOME! and much needed!

Despite the mid year flump with falling sick, it has been a very productive year.  What I could have done better was to spend more "quality" time with my girls and taking care of myself.

Next year will be another full on year with completing my degree (Finally!!!).  Taking care of my health.  Being a better mother to my girls, and loving wife to my husband.  There is potential for there to be a new addition to our household - but let's see what God's plans are :) 

So next year I will...

• strive to be a virtuous woman (Proverbs 31)
• take care of my health
• complete my studies
• more understanding and patient with my family

but most of all having complete faith that God knows what is best for me.  Though I serve Him in "public" activities I need to serve Him more in private.  That means more meaningful prayers, more conversations with God, my character is a reflection of Jesus' character.  If this is done, then all else will fall into place.

Every year we make new year's resolutions but what will set next year's resolutions apart from every previous year?  For me, it's about meaning.  If there is some meaning to my goal, some purpose then I believe I will more likely achieve my goals....

Thank you God for a great year of blessings and tests, I only pray that my service will be taken to the next level next year as my faith will be too!!!

Happy New Year everyone!

8 days 'til Christmas....

Where has the year gone?? It's crazy how quickly time is going now.  And to think I only really spent 9 months working and the other 3 recuperating.  It's been a crazy last couple of weeks.  At church we've been advertising a family portrait fundraiser.  This time we've decided to take the photos ourselves.  The feedback we've received so far has been really good.  We have taken pictures of at least 25+ families.  What a blessing.  Today was our 2nd day of shooting.  Met some beautiful families today.

I have not been well this past week.  Had taken two days off because I had developed a sty that has taken on a mind of its own.  I hadn't had one in years and then all of a sudden 5 pop up at the same time.  Bad timing with the shoot today.  I was a little worried with the back infection I had earlier so had gone into the hospital to double check that all is okay.  The eye specialist also thought that despite my condition being a normal sty, given my history I had to take precaution.  So back to drinking 6+ pills a day.  Not a great feeling but I will do anything not to fall sick again.  I was beginning to feel a little stressed with pressures and work, church and home (house is a mess!!!).  My husband is doing the best that he can and he is extremely busy himself.  Most of all he is really concerned about my earth and pleading with me to re-think my commitments and reminding me that my body is not what it used to be and that I really need to take care of myself first.

I had been thinking about and at times I do about why I commit myself to so many things.  I find that I have this desire to prove my worth to people especially those I love.  I must've felt growing up that I was worthless and needed to show people that I can be of some use.  And now I am pushing myself to doing so many things.  I have learnt to only take on what I can because I have a family now and whatever time I give to someone else, I give away that time I could have with my girls.  I have dedicated a bit of my time to this fundraiser this last month so I am looking forward to spending some quality time with my girls during this Christmas and New Year break.

My parents are here visiting.  It's great to see that despite my girls hardly seeing my parents (they live in Auckland, NZ) they can get along with them as if they have always lived in the same city.  I love that they have the time to share together.  Funny story, my dad was supposed to arrive to Wellington on Monday night.  My brother had taken my dad to the airport and at the check-in point were told that there were no further flights to Wellington.  My brother had insisted that my dad was meant to be boarding a flight to Wellington that night.  The attendant check the itinerary and pointed out that my dad was meant to board a flight from Wellington to Auckland.  A little embarrassed my brother withdrew apologetically from the counter and hurried my dad into the car.  Then anxiously called me non-stop leaving messages calling me ..something silly...for booking the wrong departure city!  My dad thought it was funny.  I on the other hand was not very pleased and after a few punches in the air I re-booked my dad's flights and so he arrived in Wellington the next day.  I think my dad was more concerned that I have been so busy that I wasn't concentrating properly on what I was doing.  I think he was right too.

So my girls have finished school for the year.  Next year my youngest will be starting primary school too.  I look forward to my girls going to the same school again.

I took photos of my sister-in-law the other night testing our new studio kit.  Really love the pics of her with the black background.  While I was snapping away, I asked her about her relationship with God.  Interesting seeing her expressions as I was shooting.  I found that her expression is very common.  Another reminder that I tend to have my actions in servitude overtake my faith and therefore lack of prayer kicks in.  Is it a bad thing to be focussing all my energies on serving Him with action that it is to serve with prayer?  Perhaps this is really where my desire to prove my worth comes from.  I know that I do not serve Him as well as I should through prayer that I turn to serving Him with action!  Because to me that feels like home.  I often doubt myself and think I'm just doing it to show everyone that I'm doing something.  But it isn't really.  I genuinely feel that I am serving my God.

Here are some pics from that mini-photoshoot:

I sit and look around my house and see that there is so much to do.  What comes to mind was a preaching I heard some years ago about your House being clean.  Not so much literally but your body, your heart, your spirit being clean.  And then I think about the outside reflecting how I feel, think on the inside.  I would say that the state of my physical house is pretty much reflecting the state of my spiritual house...but that will soon change this christmas holidays :)

What is the state of your House this season?

Ticking things off my list....

So last week had to be one of the busiest weeks this year!  I had my work do last Friday, which I was part of the organising committee.  The regional youth quiz night later that night, and then the next day was our church photo fundraiser, which I am the photographer.  Only because I am surrounded by great people and Gods strength that I had pulled these off.

I had to take the day off today to recuperate.  I am doing more exercise now which has been a test each time on how much my back could take.  Part of me, pushes myself to do more thinking I'm being silly but the other part of me says don't even go there, take your time.

With our church fundraiser kicking off and a lot of interest has come about I am now looking to extend the fundraiser to Auckland, NZ.  I will be spending some time up there.  All the donations go to my church the good work we will do.  So I'm praying that this is all part of God's journey for me.

My parents come down in a week.  Will be nice to have them around.  I have so many things for my dad to do around the house.  ha! and he thinks he's coming down for a holiday :)  I think not.

We are now into Week 4 in taking care of ourselves.  My husband has slowly slipped back into his old habits, but we're doing okay.  Last week was a little hectic, but this week will be better.  I keep having at the back of my mind that if my temple is in top shape then my service to God will be too!  There are so many things to consider, when I think about how good my service is at the moment.  I sometimes think that I'm doing a great job when people can see that I'm doing things that they can see.  I often forget that it's the things that people can't see that are just as important.  An example is snapping so quickly at my brother when he let something slip.  IN life we come to accept that people are the way they are.  It is not our job to change their ways but I do think that in any situation no matter how different we are, things can be better.  So an apology quickly followed my abrupt comments to my brother....oops.  I am reminded again that I can control what I do and not what others do.

My goal this week is to focus on the task at hand and to look ahead!!!

Staying Motivated...

Heading into Week 3 of taking care of ME with my husband.  Our meal plans have been going great.  Exercising together is really motivating too.  It can be difficult because we enjoy different methods but the togetherness makes us work that much harder.  We tried to have a field session last Wednesday while our girls played on the playground.  That didn't last very long because our girls wanted to join us instead as they thought that mummy and daddy were playing a cool game.  We soon changed our routine and made our exercise time more family friendly :)  Our girls enjoyed running around with us.

Since returning from holiday spending "quality" time has improved.  Every little bit of time counts.

We are now only a few weeks away from the Christmas holidays.  It's crazy to think how quickly the year has flown by.  However, events/projects that I'm involved in has been turned up a couple of notches!

I was told today of a breakdown in relationships that really saddened me.  It put such a damper on my day that I almost pulled out of exercising with my sister-in-law.  It's amazing the effect that some things can have on you.  We can be so busy in our own world that we become unaware of how others are feeling.  I am learning to let go of the things that I cannot change.  It is not an easy feat but one that can only make me stronger.

It is turning out to be a very busy week for me this week with our church photo fundraiser, end of year work do, Sunday School exam, family visiting and what not.  I am blessed with a supportive husband who has taken care of our girls while I concentrate on the extra work.  Trying to take things in stride.

With God's strength I know I can accomplish great things!

Working together....

I'm really excited and motivated now more than ever to take care of myself because now I have a partner :)  Dan and I have set some goals and are working together.  I played badminton the other night for almost 2 hours.  Had such a great time.  Though it was only social I really felt it the next day.  Time to really take care of myself.

Lately I've decided to drive to and from work without any music playing.  At first I didn't enjoy the silence, but now I'm finding it is the best time that I can really think. Other than focussing my energies on get my
'temple' in order, a lot of great ideas are coming to mind and I'm excited about what lies ahead.

Our relationship with our girls continues to flourish.  At times things can slip and my patience wears thin but my girls are quick to make amends.

I went to my eldest violin lesson today.  Such a privilege for her school to have someone give their time to teach our children.  My girl did so well.  She is a great student.  I was so proud of her and trying to hold back the tears.  I hope her interest stays with her for some time.

Christmas is only 6 weeks away.  Hard to believe how quickly this year has flown by.  Still plenty to do though.

Well tomorrow I will have some girl time with one of my close girlfriends whom I haven't seen for sometime now.  It will be good to see her, especially now that she's carrying baby #3!  We made the joke of carrying together so we would have more time to hang out.  But I don't see baby #3 in our future any time soon.

Well our plans are not His plans.

So blessed......

I have just returned from a week long break with my family at Pauanui Beach, Coromandel.  If you ever get the chance to go, you have to see this place.  At first we felt a little intimidated with being the only "dark-skinned" people in town.  But those feelings soon left us after walking out of the only supermarket in the area and feeling ripped off! ha!

I tried to hold back the tears from feeling a sense of relief that we were blessed with time alone as a family.  Finally Dan and I could give our girls the attention and love they have been needing from us.  Every night during dinner we talked about our day.  It was a great time for our girls to let us know of things that we as their parents need to improve on.

We spent our days swimming, playing tennis, playing at the playground, mini-golf, building sand castles at the beach, going for walks, bike riding and the list goes on.  Six days of swimming as definitely motivated me to continue with it.  We were very active during this trip.  We were very thankful for the time that we had.  I went bike riding which is something I soon regretted as I started out my journey walking down the very steep driveway to the resort thinking, "I'm not looking forward to cycling up this drive".  After 3 or 4 stops along the driveway I soon made it to the top!

We can get so caught up in our every day lives that we forget our loved ones that are right under our nose are needing our love and attention.  At times it can feel like such a task to have to think about how we deal with our loved ones but it is all worth it.  It took me a day or two to relax.  I was thankful that we were far away from home so I didn't have to think about chores that needed to be done.  So very thankful ;).

Most of all I was thankful that Dan got to have some time to relax also and just be a father and husband to our family.  His job may not be physically challenging but it is definitely pulls on the brain chords for him.  Bless all those fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons that work hard to support their families and themselves.  It is not an easy thing to do but when you make a decision to live with purpose, you will be driven by that purpose.

With this awesome holiday that God has blessed us with, I am reminded that as much as I do (and most times as little as I do) for Him, He continues to bless me.  So I will need to step up my game and work harder.

Here are some pics of our little holiday

Trying to start fresh...

It's been difficult trying to get back into shape.  Back in the day I used to play netball up to 4 - 5 days a week.  Go for walks, jogs and down to the park with my brothers and run some circuits around the rugby field.  Now I'm afraid to push myself on the cross trainer or even dance my heart out to Zumba.  I played tennis with my husband yesterday. I had a lot of fun.  We both did (actually Dan probably didn't since he lost :P).  There are so many fad diets available now and new exercise machines, routines, DVDs at a cheap cost which I've done and tried them all.  But when you think about it, all is needed is good old commitment, determination and focus.  For sometime I used the excuse that I'm so busy being a mum, a wife, involved with church, and studies but still at the end of the day I still feel really down which then brings my spirit down.

The Word over the past couple of weeks talks about "Walking the Talk".  Putting action to our words.  This year I had made it a focus to take care of myself and then out of the blue I became ill.  Amazing how the devil can just throw things at you when you least expect it.  It's taken me some time to come out of this rut, but I do see the light and I will overcome.

I get a lot of motivation seeing pics of my families and friends involved in 12 week or 8 week challenges.  How great it is for them to be surrounded by supportive people.  Dan and I are going to try and help each other.  Inwardly the transformation I'm looking for is for me to take care of my "temple" so that I can serve Him better, and outwardly I want to look good in my husband's eyes again.  Though to him I am as beautiful as the day he met me, but we know that ain't true.  By the 3rd year of marriage our husbands learn what and when it is the time to say the right things about our figure. :)

So starting tomorrow, I have just made the decision for this blog to continue to be about my journey of healing but with the focus to healing my "temple"!!!

So stay tuned and walk with me (or jog, run, skip) on this journey!!!!

Into October....

We are heading into our 4th week in our new home.  A month has almost passed already!!! Seems only yesterday that we had moved in.  I absolutely love our new place.  Feeling absolutely blessed.  But in the same token I have been concerned a bit about my health.  I have started taking pain killers again.  Now that we're settled I am consciously forcing myself to rest.

It is really easy to forget about the important things in life.  We take for granted the bodies that we have been given and we feed ourselves with junk food and do little to no exercise.  My girls are still very young and yet with this illness I am counting down my days.  I am trying to   focus on renewing my body and my mind.  It is going to take a while but I'll take things a day at a time.

I had visited the specialist recently and now have an open door to see him whenever I have any concerns.  Now that things are a little quieter I'm feeling a little better.  My right hand was infected recently from the detergents that I use to clean the house etc.  It swelled to quite a size and was quite sore and throbbing.  Since falling ill my immune system is so low that it takes me twice as long to come right.  But again, I will take things a day at a time.

We will be going away for a week, which will be our first family trip in a long time.  Just the four of us.  I think it will be good for us to be away from everything.  I am looking forward to it.

My life at the moment is about rebuilding myself.  I cannot allow this illness to hold me back from doing things for myself, my family, and serving God.

So much for Daily....

My entries have been few and far between!...So we're now in our new place and I love it!  My girls ran through the house screaming on the first day.  No problems so far.  Dan at the moment is trying to set up his entertainment system...sheesh :)  Absolutely love the functionality of the house.  It suits our needs!  We had a lot of help over the weekend which were truly grateful for.  My sister-in-law refused to have me lifting anything.  I am thankful that someone was watching me :)

My body is feeling sore and I'm a little worried which has reminded me that again I have taken for granted the blessings God has given me.  It is true that in our time of need we call on Him.  My immune system is pretty low I feel.  Today I needed to pick up my eldest and a family friend from their school holiday programme and because I had just finished tidying up the garage I was feeling very tired.  I was worried that I would fall asleep on the way to picking them up.  And of course I dangerously did!!!  I had my youngest with me who was a little frightened because I kept telling her to talk to me so that mummy wouldn't sleep.  We stopped off at a gas station to buy some "Red Bull"...goodness it really does give you wings! I was fine after that.  So much for relaxing tonight I nailed a few portraits and artwork up tonight.  Didn't have a hammer around (which I reminded my husband 3 times to collect from the old place and still forgot!), so used a can of spaghetti instead.  Handy it was! :)

Now that I feel settled I need to start reading again especially before my school work kicks in.  But more so I think my spirit needs it.  With my body feeling the way it is at the moment, I think it reflects my spirit feeling in need of some rejuvenating and hopefully then my body will follow.

I've been thinking a lot about how Dan and I have been very busy with settling into the new place and finding tenants for our old place that we have neglected our girls slightly we feel.  It shows in the way they are acting out at the moment.  I spent some time with my youngest colouring in her book which was nice.  I need to do more of it I think.

I look around my new place and feel that I am finally at home.  I dreamt of a home with exposed wood and I have it now.  God is good.  Speaking of dreams.  I had a dream the other night that was very vivid and later shared with Dan.  In my dream Dan and I were approached by a woman (who looked like the real estate agent that sold us our new place) offering us tickets overseas.  We didn't have passports on us but she was insistent that we needed to catch our flights that very minute and that we didn't need passports or any luggage for that matter.  Immediately (with hesitation on my part) we followed this woman to the airport holding onto our boarding passes.  I tried to grab Dan to talk to him about what we were about to do because I felt a weird sinking feeling in my gut that something big was going to happen.  Dan looked scared and certain that boarding the plane is what we needed to do.  I disagreed and could not bring myself to go with him.  In my amazement Dan boarded the plane without me.  We didn't even say goodbye to each other.  Next thing I find myself outside of the airport feeling heart broken that Dan could just leave me.  Snapping out of my misery I realised that people were running in all directions.  Some stood still and look to the skies pointing.  I was too scared to even imagine what they could be looking at.  I turned slowly to see what they were looking at.  My jaw dropped and I froze.  I couldn't hear anything but gaze at seemed to be balls of fire falling from the sky with black smoke trailing behind it and smashing into the ground around us.  On impact the sounds of screaming returned to my ears.  At that point I felt tapping on my shoulder and I turned around to find Dan standing there.  I couldn't believe that he was standing in front of me.  He came back!  We couldn't understand what was going on and then I remembered that someone told me that something big was going to happen on the 12th of this month.  I anxiously asked Dan what the date was and he said it was the 12th.  I told him that we had to get away and that this is the day that it was going to happen....that the world was going to end....

Now I hadn't watched anything of the armageddon nature before I went to bed that night.  But I still have some strong sense that something will happen very soon.  And I think about my life, my family, my illness and wonder whether this is a warning that my time will come soon.  I had this dream last week and then over the weekend the message that was shared at church was about not knowing what the time will be when our Lord returns to take us home.  We will never know what God's plans are but he warns us about always being prepared.  I am a big believer in the dreams that I have and that I think that when God can't reach me during the day, He reaches me in my dreams at night.

I need to be prepared for anything in my life.  I need to be more focussed.  To use my energy to fulfil God's purpose in my life and not waste it on things that are not of His will.

This week my aim is to be ready and focussed!!!

First day in new place.....

Siblings are so awesome....in times like these our siblings have pulled through and helped us out.  I have been told numerous times not to life a thing.  Which I'm thankful for because my body is taking the strain of living between homes and having to find tenants etc.  But God has been and continues to be good to me and my family.  We have found our tenants and they move in next week!  Only with God's grace and love over me and my family can we do anything in this lifetime.

I can't wait for my family to all come down and enjoy this new dwelling with us.  In the little things we Praise the Lord, in the big things we Praise the Lord!!!

15 days since last post!

I have just uploaded a post that I had written back when but hadn't published it.
It has been some time since I've posted anything.

In the past two weeks I have been keeping myself preoccupied with walking interested parties through our rental and packing our house down getting ready for the move.  We are close to finalising a few things with potential tenants so we are very blessed that we have been able to find people before we move into our place.  We still have a bit of work to do on the house before we move out.  Dan has been doing some work around the house which I am really happy about it.  Dan's view in the past was that if something was broken...sell it :P  I'm happy that he sees value in investing some time, sweat and dollars to fixing something up.  A shame that is has come when we are moving out.  But that is okay..we can't ask too much of our men :)

Things at work have been good.  Who would've thought that sitting at a computer all day can be so draining.  I now need to organise meetings with my customers so that it gives my body a break.  In the past week I have learnt that perception plays a big part in our lives whether it be at work, school, home, church.  No matter what your view is in life about caring for others opinions they still have an influence in our lives.  If not ours, that of our close family and friends.  Though we may not agree with those perceptions there is still an element of influence.  Having been sick for some time and will continue to have this for the rest of my life, the perception has been that I "look" well, therefore I must be well.  But the reality is that I know that I cannot work a full week.  My body is so drained.  From time to time I will have some boost of energy and I can be seen bending over cleaning the bottom of the shower, picking up heavy furniture and in those times the perception again can arise that I'm okay.  I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind about what others perceptions of me are when they see me do things or hear that I have done a lot of work.  If it is perceived that I can do this, then I begin to think of other things that I can do and in the end my body pays for it.

At my last appointment when the doctor told me that I am very fortunate and that others (patients) have not made it, it scares me a little.  I know that in beating this infection that God has such a great purpose for my life, but now I'm trying to regain strength to live out my purpose.  But other things get put on the back burner i.e. my school work.  It was my plan to graduate in May next year, but because this illness has taken a large chunk of my study time I have had to put off study this semester and focus on returning to work.  I have only just completed my first full week (4 days part-time) back at work.

In terms of my fitness, I'm wanting to do more but am afraid that I may damage my back.  Though there is no second thoughts about moving bookshelves around a room!  Images of the softened bone in my spine snapping comes to mind when I want to do some exercise.  Hopefully when the dust settles when we move into our new place and all is sorted with our rental I can concentrate on getting into shape.

I think about what will happen down the track as this infection will stay with me.  It is scary to know that others have died from this condition.  I still believe that will not be the case for me but it will mean for me to be extra careful throughout my life.  Trying to live a healthy lifestyle has never felt more real to me.

My girls understand that I need to take things a little easier and are always reminding me to have some rest and rubbing my back.  So loving.

This week will be our last week in our home before we move in to what will be our last home for the rest of our lives!!!! :)  After what has been a crazy year thus far it would be good to feel as though I am starting fresh again.....

I'll post some pics of our new place when we move in :)

Day 102 - 106 No family around...

My last appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon is on Monday.  It will be such a milestone!

Lately I haven't been feeling that way, unrelated to my back.  We're in the middle of moving house and with all the dust etc doesn't help how I feel.  I went to the doctor's yesterday and thankfully it was the same doctor that took care of me when I first had the back pains so she was very concerned about my current condition and prescribed antibiotics etc so to avoid any further infection growing again in my back.  Was so thankful.  I'm feeling better already.

So my family are in Melbourne for my husband's cousin's wedding.  Both my girls are in the line as flower girls.  My youngest says she's embarrassed and nervous.  Whereas the eldest is a pro, this being her fourth wedding now as a flower girl and has given her little sister a few words of encouragement.  I'm glad they could get some time away even if it is for five days.

This past week has been interesting, as I was cleaning out some things for our move I came across the diary that Dan and I kept when were dating.  Because we lived in different cities we had this thing that we would write about our day and when we would meet we would handover the diary for the other to write in.  I had started reading through the entries.  My hat goes off to those having long distance relationships...it's not easy!  I forgot how hard it was to be apart from Dan.  Amazingly God had blessed us with opportunities to see each other which worked out to be every month that we were apart.  In the same token there were a lot of dark entries of my last weeks at home.  The decisions we make in our lives determine the next steps down particular paths.  I'm fortunate enough that my decisions have led me to be happily married with two gorgeous girls, a great job, and surrounded by loving families.

Day 97 - 101 - WHOA!!! over 100 days...

Day 101 Whoa!!! Amazing!!!  God has been so good to me on this journey.  I am much stronger than I was on Day 1 but I know that there is still a bit more to walk on this path of healing!!!

So I had an appointment with the docs last week at the Wellington Hospital.  It was my first time there.  Beautiful hospital, so many different waiting rooms and coloured seats for specific doctors. sheesh.
My appointment was short and quick.  Basically the doctor felt that there wasn't a need to see him in the future.  I asked about the impact on my spine through carrying a child to full-term during pregnancy.  It is a low risk for me.  Thank goodness! I felt relieved.  Our plans to have more children will go ahead :)

These past week has been filled with stressors, truths, realities but overall love that our family will pull through this mini-storm we are going through.  Our God is a great God and I believe that He knows what is right for us.  We have plans to move into our new place very soon but need tenants or buyers for our current home.  I do love this place because it's nice and has been our home for almost five years but like my eldest sang today "You can't always get what you want!" (a cover from the hit show Glee).

We celebrated Father's day today.  I am so thankful for the loving husband that I have and the love he has for our children.  He leads this family with a strong belief that walking down God's path will see us prosper!  I miss my dad though.  My dad is in his 60s and he has done so much for me and my family these past couple of years.  He is so strong.  When we think about our parents growing old and becoming fragile we assume that they no longer have plans of their own and begin to make plans for them.  I've come to realise that there are stages in our lives that we plan for; making a commitment to someone, starting a family, seeing our children grow up and leave us, and then retirement.  I've tried hard since I left home to prove to myself and my family that I can make something of myself and in return support them.  I have worked so hard and gone full steam ahead and have forgotten to take my family (parents and brothers) along with me.  Growing up I never thought that I would have learnt anything from my dad but I now believe that I have.  I see it in the way that I raise my girls, in my relationship with my husband.  I can definitely see that I have taken the good from my upbringing and applied it to my own little family.  I am so thankful for my dad.  I don't think I let him know enough though.  At times it is hard to bring to the surface how we really feel about our parents and family.  The last time my dad was with us I couldn't even bring myself to say thank you to him as he boarded his plane.  I felt this emotion build up in my throat to the built that it took my voice away.  Didn't stop the tears from falling though.

This message is dedicated to all our fathers.  Though we as your children may not show it, we really are listening with a loving heart :)

Day 93 - 96: My Purpose

This week I'm thinking about my purpose in this life.  There was a time during my illness I thought about the likely consequences and the effects it would bring into my life and that of my family.  Only a slight glimpse into my likely future brings a moment of sadness but visions of servitude and happiness is what remains at the forefront of my mind.  Of course my life will be limited to a horizon that I see and is settled at the hips of those around me but I think it is the faith in knowing that there is so much more is what will drive me to achieve more.

I whispered to Dan at church yesterday that it had just dawned on me whether this illness has impacted on my chances of being able to carry a baby to full-term.  Dan and I would love to have more children but the thought of complications scares me a little.  My thoughts then lead onto alternatives if it were the case that I could not carry a baby to term.  Adoption?  Can I raise a child as my own?  Interesting that I would have no trouble in raising a child under different circumstances, a broken home? orphaned at birth? but where the circumstances are because of my own illness...I don't know.  Has my unconditional love now come with conditions? or will it?
I have a doctors appointment this week and next so I will raise the question with them then.

We have put our house on the market because we have found another property that we like.  It is amazing how God can move in your life.  We had our offer accepted for the new house and it has since dropped in price 3 times!!!  Our house is now up for rent and we have received interest within 24 hours!  You know there are so many things that we want in this life and at times when it is something that we really want we throw punches into the air when we don't get it.  I've come to learn (and understanding my purpose in this life) that there is a reason for everything.  Our eyes are only limited to what we can see in front of us, but it is in our faith that something is greater is waiting for us is what will drive us to do more, to do better.  I am not worried about the new house, or the situation with our current house, because I am leaving it in God's hands.  But that doesn't mean that I don't do my part, no.  I still have to do some ground work for these houses but my hands are guided by God's Holy Spirit.

My purpose in this life? is to serve God using what I have learnt in this world and to reflect a lifestyle worthy of His Glory.  I am not perfect but I can do my best to improve on the way I live my life.

Day 91 & 92: Feeling stronger but still uncomfortable...

So I've completed working a week and I feel okay but later at night I feel exhausted, especially tonight.  I had to make a decision to put my studies on hold this semester to focus on returning to work.  To add to things we're in the middle of selling our house.  I pray that it is God's will to do what we are doing at the moment.  Dan and our girls will head off to Aussie soon for 5 days.  As much as I will miss them, I am excited because it will give me a chance to do more around the house.  She says after explaining that she is especially exhausted tonight!

I have a couple of appointments scheduled for next month.  I wonder whether I will have another scan.  I do not feel the pain that I had two months ago but I do feel very uncomfortable.  Unsettling even.  I feel stronger and my body is handling driving about town much better.

My girls are in bed at the moment, and Dan's preparing their lunches while watching his show of the moment "The Big Bang Theory".  I just sat through an episode and thought it was absolutely hilarious (I say sarcastically) :P.

I don't know what it is but being apart from my family especially Dan has really made me think about my relationship with them.  Perhaps it was the passing of my uncle and seeing my aunty saying her last goodbye made me think about Dan.  I can't imagine living my life without him.  Our time on this earth is short.  We think about 60, 70 years being a long time to live but it isn't really.  I am 32 now, it won't be long before I reach 40.  My girls will be 16 and 14 by that time.  God has given me so much that I never imagined I would  or could have and yet in His goodness there are things that I believe I need to make right.  Favours that people have done for me in the past.  I think about these things, about opportunities to return the favour.  It is interesting how different our perspectives are of the relationships that we keep in our lives.  One relationship I had with someone I was best friends with in school quickly showed me how people can grow apart.  That situation helped me to understand that how I feel about a relationship isn't necessarily how that person feels about it.  I hope that an opportunity may come along in this lifetime to repay the favour that others have done for me.

"Quality not quantity" is something that rings true to a lot of things....argh! difficult to write something meaningful when I can hear characters of "The Big Bang Theory" singing a tune to a cat!!!!!!!

:)

Day 81 - 90: Farewells and Reunions

Following the news of my uncle passing away, I booked my flight to Auckland to be with my family.  My uncle was my godfather, so I felt obligated to be with my family and to repay the same love they showed my during my upbringing.

How difficult it was for my cousins and aunty to endure the loss of someone so dear, I don't think I could ever imagine until it was either Dan, my girls or my immediate family.  My aunty was so strong.  Such a tower of strength.  Just as she has always been in that family.  I was so blessed for the opportunity to be able to serve them during their time of mourning.  My one regret was not bringing one of my girls along with me.

I spent a week with my family.  I had not seen my dad's side for so long.  Seeing all my cousins working together was such a great thing to see.  I felt so relieved to be able to hang out with my cousins and not be hissed at by my father to go inside and do some chores like he did when I was younger.  I felt a sense of freedom in this saddened circumstance.

The night my uncle came home to rest I could not bring myself to see him.  I didn't think I would react in that way.  But just a glimpse of him lying in his coffin, I burst into tears and cried like a baby.  But looking at my cousin I had to be strong for her.  I quickly wiped my tears and took deep breathes before I could continue with what I was tasked to do.

One night my cousin and I slept with her mum in the lounge next to my uncle.  We didn't sleep until 7.30am.  I felt for my aunty, who couldn't sleep and would stay awake until her body could no longer hold up against the exhaustion.  We laughed and talked about my uncle and our families.  Even in her darkest hour, my aunty could still crack a joke or even repeat it so many times.  Something that I'm sure I will do as I grow older - repeat myself :).

My uncle's funeral service was beautiful.  Short and sweet.  I was amazed at the beautiful speech my cousin Joe gave.  Joe is the youngest of my uncles three children.  He is a couple of years older than me.  Joe is someone of only a few words but his actions and loyalty speak volumes.  I love Joe like my own brother.  His speech about promising his father to take care of the house and their mum was touching.  It was amazing that though Joe was put on the spot he could recall special moments about his dad.  His advice to everyone in attendance to think about the time we have left with our families and to use that time wisely was good.

The service ended at the burial.  My cousin and I watched the boys return to the dirt to my uncle's grave, right up to the last shovel of dirt thrown over the mound.  My cousin and I talked about how the burying of her father was a process for us to come to terms with what has happened and to say farewell physically whereas spiritually we know that our uncle's spirit is in a better place.  How amazing our God is that we have these rituals/traditions that we go through that take us through the process of saying goodbye to our loved ones.

The remainder of my time with my cousins and aunty was very special to me.  I could finally do something for them in which they have done for me growing up.  Often I think about how I can repay those who have taken care of me growing up.  I am thankful that this opportunity (as sad as it was) came about.  The best way I know how to show my love for someone is by serving them humbly.

I hold dear to my heart my time with my family in playing pictionary, ten-pin bowling, singing, watching movies together.  I miss my family very much but I was happy to be home with my husband and my girls.  I think I may have watched too many chick flicks while away because I asked Dan to rekindle the romantic home dinners we used to have before our girls arrived.  We used to take turns organising the night with candles etc despite the dinner being cornbeef and noodles :)  which is a delicacy that is very special to us (on our honeymoon all we ate was cornbeef and noodles :P).  So at work today I sent Dan an appointment for the 1st of October forgetting that it will be our 10th anniversary since we started dating.  ha! Dan knew it was the date....whoever said that men are useless with special dates doesn't really know that they're only pretending ...they know! :)  So I have five or so weeks to prepare a lavish dinner (hopefully in our new house :) Godwilling), while Dan organises the set-up and on this special occasion Dan wanted us to exchange gifts...hmmmm....It's good to spice up your marriage/relationship..keep each other on your toes...otherwise one of you will just be upset about not being treated like the main actress in a chick flick :P...

I've decided to put my studies on hold this semester to concentrate on returning to work and bringing my health back to 110%.  This has relieved some pressure off of me so I look forward to just being a mummy and wife.

I am so thankful for everything that I have.....I hope that you are happy with where you are in life too :)

Day 78, 79, 80 - :'(

I started back at work on Wednesday.  It was great to see everyone.  Morning tea was great :)
I had a one-on-one with my management and was relieved to know that I would only be working part-time.  I thought I would be increasing my hours to full-time.  Originally I was working part-time so that I could finish my studies and pick up my girls from school as there was no after school programme.  Praise God for He knows our plans before we realise them.  The part-time situation works better for my family and thankfully works better at work also!!! :)  I was pleased at the end of that day.  My day ended at lunchtime.  I had come to realise that in my role I do sit alot.  I suppose I'll be making a lot of appointments to visit managers to give my back a bit of a break.

Thursday's work followed in the same way.  Working the mornings I only had time to clear 2 months worth of emails.  I think I killed a few trees in the process having to print off my emails to sort out.  I could only work until midday again, I felt so uncomfortable.  But my day was good and again great to be at work.

Later in the day I received some bad news that my uncle (my Godfather) passed away.  As you do, memories of my uncle came to mind.  My cousin (who is the only girl of 3 also) and I would always joke about always knowing where in the house my uncle would be and what he would be doing.  Sitting at the table with his little radio, his T.A.B (race-betting) booklet, and back in the day his cigarettes.  Growing up, when I would stay over every time the phone would ring my uncle would always call for me to answer the phone.  That never failed!  Even in my old age, married with children as soon as my uncle knew that I was over and the phone would ring you can guarantee that he would call for me to answer the phone.  Like I was some kind of mobile phone operating service :).  Oh I love my uncle.  He reminds of "The two Ronnies", the shorter one. :)

It is always a sad thing when someone we love leaves us but I am so blessed for the opportunity to know my uncle.  Family services and Funerals truly are a celebration of the life our loved ones have led and an opportunity for those to say goodbye.  I pray for God's strength to be with us during this time.

Just the thought of losing someone so close reminds me that I need to keep myself in check.  We may never know the time that we are called.  Each day lived should be better than the last.  Have I lived the life that I have been called to live?  Have I truly redeemed myself of all the mistakes that I have made?

Taking everything a day at a time is all that we can do and to live those days as though it were our last.

Day 76 & 77 - Bye Dad :'(

These last couple of days has been a mad rush to get as much done while my Dad was here. :(  My body is so strained but now that we have plans for a new place things are getting a little busier.  Sheesh :) but exciting!  My dad left today.  It was sad to see him go.  My dad is so old.  In his early 60s and he did so much around the house for us.  I love sitting up in bed staring at the newly painted walls.  My DIY disaster is finally fixed in my girls room and the lounge :)  I'll upload some pics soon.  My heart is filled with Thanks to my dad for the great work he has done to help us and to my mum that even in their ill-health they sacrificed their time to help me and my family.  The love of our parents never fails.

I'll be heading into work for my first day back.  Well partial day back.  I'm a little nervous.  I really can't handle driving long distances now.  Not that work is a long trip away but I'm certain it will be a struggle after a long day at work.  I'll be staying at work 'til probably around lunch time and then shoot home for some rest and finish my assignment!!!  With things getting busier at home I have neglected my school work.  No doubt my body will pay for this but there are a few things going on now that life definitely is heading back to normalcy.

Right now I'm propped up in bed about to do some reading but wanted to blog in.  My feet and back are aching and our room is a little nippy thanks to our gas heating still out of action but thank goodness for electric blankets and massive power bills!  My girls are out for the night all cosy and my sister-in-law is meant to be doing her school but occupying herself with one of our many DVDs.  Hmmm school night? maybe not :)  Dan has been watching "The Big Bang Theory" episodes lately and I have not heard him laugh so much.  Something about the geek speech amuses him.  He will be staying home tomorrow to make sure that I'm doing okay for my first morning getting the girls to school and then off to work.  Dan's just turned the lights off and I was supposed to do some reading..hellooo :)

My brother and his family head overseas this week for a number of years.  Good for them.  The hardest thing will be for them to be apart from everyone else.  Though in saying that my brother has spent a lot of time away from his family due to his work commitments so this will give him and his family a chance to be together as a family.  Messaging with another cousin of mine living in Asia, she described how she misses her family dearly. It's difficult to live apart from those whom we love.  There are so many birthdays, anniversaries, dinners, lunches etc that we miss out on living away from home.  I have lived away from home for nearly ten years and though I am still in the same country our get togethers are few and far between.  Having my family with me these past weeks has made me think more about my girls and husband and their relationships with my family (immediate and wider).  I talked about in an earlier blog about one having the responsibility to ensure those relationships between families happen.  I have not been encouraging the reunion as much as I should.  When my dad left tonight, my girls asked whether they could go to Auckland.  I think we will try to make a trip this year to see everyone.

God has never failed me though I have done so, many times.  Though He is never far from my mind and my heart.  I am thankful for the life that I lead and the life that I am yet to live.  Because I know and still believe in that promise I made in July 2001 that if my move away from home was part of His plan then I will promise to serve Him until my last breathe!  The life that I live is not mine but His alone.

Day 73 - 75: So tired...

The last couple of days I haven't taken any pain relief.  My doc had forgotten to complete extra paperwork when he had written my prescription for the morphine based medication.  I had to go back to the hospital to pick up the extra paperwork.  I left before collecting it.  Was tired of waiting! So over all the pills! I now have another month of oral meds!  I don't feel like I need the stronger meds anymore for the pain which is good.  I can now deal with voltaren and panadol.

My gorgeous cousin left yesterday!  This trip has helped me so much.  Not just around the house but to fill the void of being without my family for so long.  The companionship was something I had yearned for for a long time.  I am blessed that we were given an opportunity to catch up.  My girls have absolutely enjoyed their time with their aunty.

My dad is still here and has been a Superman!!!  He has helped us renovate our place while still unwell.  With the news of one of my brothers heading overseas with his family my dad will be leaving us soon.  It is a cold and windy night in Wellington and our blimmin' gas heater is not working in the lounge.  So we have a sickly five-fin oil heater making some attempt to heat up our lounge. Almost feels like the story of the little train that could!

I feel so tired, and now feel a cold coming on.  I still have school work to complete! I think I am ready to return to work gradually this week. Everyone seems surprised when I tell them.  So maybe I'm thinking too far ahead.  My drama yesterday was that I fell asleep on the way home from the airport!!!  I was tempted to pulling off the motorway for a snooze but in my mind I wanted to get home because I was with my girls.  Five minutes away from home I definitely fell asleep and had drifted into the opposite lane towards oncoming traffic.  I managed to swerve and miss a car before readjusting myself.  My eldest, poor darling, was talking to me throughout the trip to keep me awake.  I had been out for too long to be driving so for now I can only handle short trips.

It's almost mid august and there is still so much to do.  I know that I am out of the woods now so need to regain my energy! I have been so blessed and thankful for all of my family and friends for being around to help us.  I hope that an opportunity will arise that me and my family can support them all in the same way.

Day 71 & 72 - Good news...

I have been so tired these last couple of days and pushing my body to beyond its current limits.  My gorgeous cousin is here and has been a huge help! I will miss her dearly!

Yesterday I had my MRI scan which took over an hour.  I am glad that I won't have those again for a while!  I am feeling okay but am definitely feel strained.  My medication had run out so was a little anxious to see my doc at the hospital to get a new prescription.

My appointment with my doctor went well today.  I had my picc line taken out! Hallelujah I am no longer carrying my 80s bum bag!  I now have another month of oral medication as well as the pain relief.  The doc says that I am okay to return to work (and the gym!) gradually.  Just feeling the strain on my body with the little medication I have had these last couple of days I believe it when he says to take it easy!  The doc reviewed my scan and is happy that there have been positive changes.  Two bones in my spine where the infection is has fused together which was expected but overall it is good news.  I am happy with that! God is so good to me!!!! I feel happy and relieved.  It felt like such a milestone to see the picc line out.  My life is about to head back on track!!!

We've been making some changes to our house lately, and with my dad in town my DIY attempts are finally getting fixed/tidied up!  My dad and I have had many heated arguments in the aisles of the Warehouse and Bunnings :P  I am so grateful for what he is doing!  One of my DIY blunders has finally been fixed after two years! :)  All it needs now is a lick of fresh paint and we're good to go.  We've had one of the boys from youth help my dad out.  Such a blessing he is.  He is young and getting his life straight.  To distract him from doing things/hanging with those that will get him into trouble he has offered to help out my dad and has been enjoying it.  This kid has a good head on his shoulders and I believe that God has a great plan for him because he is making the right choices to set his path straight!

My beautiful cousin has done so much with taking care of me and my family.  Right now she is reading a bedtime story to my girls.  She has also baked us an apple pie and tonight a lemon meringue pie (with some direction of course).  So great to have my "sister" in town.

I always knew that I will be healed, this was definitely a journey for me to slow down and consider things that really matter in my life.  With heading back to work possibly next week I also have my school work to complete.  First assignment is due this week.  I will be working very hard over the weekend.  Oh joy :).

Through this experience I have felt and still feel so blessed that God has given me and my family an opportunity to spend time with my family in particular.  My girls have had a good dose of my family these past 5 - 6 weeks.  One of my aunty's suggested I move back home with my family :).  It's very difficult to be away from one's family.  I'm glad that Dan understands how difficult it is for me.  I have accepted that we live apart but can feel sad on special occasions.  I am so grateful for the time I have had with my family.  For this I know that God understands my needs and will provide in His time!

Thank you God for healing me!

Day 70 - I am on the road again....

I drove today for the first time since I fell ill.  I did okay.  I also hadn't taken my medication this morning.  My body was really tired today.  I really need to ease back into things.  I almost feel panicky that I will be starting work soon and that my routine will kick into hectic mode.

My check up today was fine.  I can't wait to get this picc line out of my arm! I feel like my movements are restricted like an elderly person with a walking stick!  Right now I'm propped up in bed with my antibiotics strapped to my abdomen.  When I go to sleep at night I unstrap my 80s bum bag so that I can sleep comfortably.  But when the ladies room calls in the middle of the night, half asleep I get up from bed and the bottle (of antibiotics) drops to the floor almost ripping the line off my up that is taped to my arm.  Hair being ripped off my bare shoulder I manage to make it to the ladies room.

I"m looking forward to seeing my cousin tomorrow.  It will be nice to have her around.  I have been very blessed to have support from family and friends during this time and that their support has seen me return to reality.  After having done practically nothing these past 2 months, I'm a little overwhelmed at how busy my life actually is.  As a family we already have a lot to do in the next couple of weeks.  I am looking forward to our holiday at the end of the year already :).

I am looking forward to getting on with life but I think most importantly I need to take my focus off "reality" and focus on God.  I talk about my faith bringing me through this illness.  I am not out of the woods yet.  I need to keep believing and climb my "sycamore tree" to see the blessings that will come.

Day 69 - Exciting things ahead....

Today has been a good day despite the weather.  The body was feeling okay today and lasted as long as it could but now it's starting to take its toll.  I think I'd better have an early night.  This week will be busy with assignments and appointments.  I think I will be okay to drive this week.  I will give it a go this Tuesday.

I will be heading to work in a couple of weeks.  I feel as though reality is reaching me pretty quickly, which is probably why I'm doing so much more around the house.  Or at least trying to.  My body does ache but I think it's more that I am starting to wean off the medication and now I am starting to feel things.

The messages today at church were great and spoke to me about the greatness of our God.  This morning the message was about God's ways are not our ways.  Our thoughts are not His thoughts, which is like the distance of heaven from earth.  This, to me, describes how BIG our God is.  The message also talked about our priorities and where God fits into them.  I know personally that by putting God first all things will happen and with reality kicking in soon I need to revisit my priorities again.  Checking off another list of mine.  The message from the evening service talks about the story of Zacchaeus and how he climbed the sycamore tree to see Jesus walking through the crowd.  What spoke to me in this scripture is that like Zacchaeus we want to see Jesus but at times we need to climb above our crowds so we can see clearly, think clearly, pray clearly.  I need to move, I need to climb before I can get closer to Jesus in my life.

Powerful messages that will help me face this week's challenges.  My dad has not been well and I feel for him because he wants to do more and is very frustrated.  I walked in after the evening service to find my dad on the couch and a quick glimpse of him made me realise how old he really is.  :(

I think tonight I will try to have an early night.  I hope that everyone is all nice and snug and ready for a new week ahead.

Day 67 & 68 - Busy busy & Date night

I have been very naughty these last couple of days.  Really putting a strain on my body!  We've been doing a really good clean up of the house.  Well I started cleaning our rumpus room and went to grab something from the workshop and ended up cleaning that too!  Argh! For the past two days my name has been changed to "Monica".  I even rearranged my girls room in half an hour!  I'm on a roll but at the moment I just can't seem to keep still.

My mum has been awesome doing so much for us this past week.  Dan will most definitely miss her cooking and my girls will miss her a lot.  I will just miss my mum.  Though I may not have shown it, I really do appreciate all that she has done for me and my family even though her body is not in its best form.  She still gave us 110% every day.  Bless my mum for her heart of service!!!  Never fails to give me household tips in between doing everything :)  so now it's just my dad :)  He's not too well either and I'm sure he feels bad when I'm doing a lot more than I should.  But it's not to give him hints that I want him to do things, I just can't keep still and I need to change things.  You'd think I'd spend my time working on my assignment due next week!!  My dad has spent most of his time telling me to stop what I'm doing and rest.  We've done so much that I feel now I can relax.  Yeah well we'll see for how long.

I'm looking forward to my cousin coming down.  It's been some time since I last saw her but I'm so thankful that she is sacrificing her time to help me and my family out.  She is such a blessing and is one of those people in your life that despite not having seen each other or talked to each other for a long time, when you do meet it's as though you were never apart. :)

Dan and I managed to get some time together.  We reminisced about our first date.  We can  still remember the restaurant, the movie, what we had for dessert :)  We laughed about the things we would do to impress each other.  It's amazing how blind your love is when you are dating.  Being married definitely takes your relationship to the next level.  It's interesting when a couple dating for so many years think they could know so much about each other and think that marriage would not be any different.  I think this is true to an extent.  Calling something "mine" for so long and then changing it to "ours" requires some preparation on a psychological level, I think.  A marriage bears all flaws.  In a courtship there is always a risk that someone would leave the relationship.  I suppose that is also true about marriages but if marriages are believed to be forever then there would be no risk.  Sometimes I think that for a marriage to work you would need endurance and commitment.  I can drop so many things that are very important in a marriage but there is no one way of making things work.  What may work for one couple may not necessarily work for another.  In a couple of years Dan and I will have been married for ten years.  It's amazing how far we have come.  God has definitely been the centre of this marriage and I am so thankful for the life I have lead and will continue to live in this marriage.

Tonight was our date night.  I sometimes think it's funny that for a married couple a date night is sometimes a movie, dinner, or hanging out with friends.  Sometimes our date nights are restricted to a small window of time before the children start to miss you or that you need an early night because you have to get ready for work and the kids for school.  When Dan and I have date night, it's hard to think of things to do outside of the dinner or a movie.  Before we had our girls, we used to take turns coming up with something to do.  On some nights we would play board games.  I think that's when our we started our collection of board games.  Other nights would be a DVD, or we'd play a sport together.  Most of these date nights were done at home.  But now that we have children, we'd prefer our date nights to be away from home :).  That is, if we had the energy after being with our girls to go out.  I hope for those of you who have children, that you really get some time to be with your partner.  Because we need a bit of attention ourselves, just as our children demand it of us.  Being a parent is such a selfless thing and it is amazing that from the moment you realise that you are becoming a parent, how quickly your world becomes theirs.

Day 66 - A sense of accomplishment...

I slept until my nurse arrived.  Usual check was okay.  I heard my dad coughing through the night.  My parents have been so awesome this week.  They are not well themselves and they're doing the best they can to help us.  Today I felt tired of sitting around and "resting" so I tidied the rumpus room and our workshop in the garage.  I could hear my dad calling out to me between coughs to stop what I was doing and get some rest.  But I just felt like getting up and doing something.  I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to feel really tired or that the strain on my back would worsen but I just felt like I needed to feel like I've accomplished something.

I am a task-oriented person.  I like to make lists and check things off.  In the two months I have been at home I have done a number of things to straighten out my house and I feel great.  Though it will be another week before I have the energy to do something else.  When it comes to reorganising things you ask my little sister, she will tell you that I rearrange the furniture in my house almost every month.  I can't help it really.  Even my girls notice when they get home.  "Whoa mum, our room looks cool.  Why did you change it?".  Ha! I started writing this at 3pm without a thought in mind coming close to actually rearranging my girls room and what do you know at 8pm Mira said "Whoa mum, our room looks cool!" :)  They were so excited sleeping in what they thought was their new room :)

I'm now in bed feeling relaxed because I feel like I've actually achieved something today having reorganised two rooms and started on the third.  I shouldn't really do so much but sitting at home is driving me slightly bonkers.  I am looking forward to work but am a little apprehensive at the same time. But I am keen to get back to reality.

I feel sorry for my parents doing so much and they are not well.  I think I've made them feel bad with doing so much.  They both kept telling me to stop cleaning because I may make myself feel worse.  They were right but today I just had such determination to get things done.  I think I am slowly getting back to my usual busy self.  Thinking about it right now, I'm a little worried about how busy I do get.  Perhaps I need to prioritise things....I'll start with making a LIST :)

I spent some time with my eldest today to talk about how she feels about things going on in our family.  Interesting the sorts of things a child shares with their parents.  I pray that the transparency in our relationship continues.  I'm glad that she feels that she is happy with how things are going. :)

ha! in saying that when Dan and I get quite heated in our discussion we used to let our emotions take control of the situation.  So there were a lot of door slamming and yelling going on.  But over time we've learnt to resolve the situation by removing our emotion and communicating things more specifically and most of all having patience and discernment.  Life is so much easier when you're able to sort out the arguments that is worth putting energy into etc.  I love my husband.  He is so good to me.  In cleaning the spare room I came across our old year books :) Something for us to reminisce about sometime :)

Today has been a good day.  My family are happy.  Tonight my girls prayed for protection and for God's healing to cover our family.  I pray that you are all in good health also.

Day 65 - Some bad news...

Still feeling pretty groggy I received some bad news today that this week will not be my last week with the picc line in my arm.  The nurse advised that they have ordered another week.  I have another MRI scan scheduled for next week before I meet with the doctors again to review my programme.  It will be interesting to know how much has changed if there are any.

I managed to do some paper work today which was good.  Get my brain going.  I've decided to have an early night tonight, my body feels cold.  I'll be heading to the doctors tomorrow with my dad as he is not feeling well either.

Another night with a great meal and my mum still doesn't want to share her recipes.

Tonight is a short blog because I'm feeling so tired and really worn out but I hope that you have all had a great day today.

Day 64 -....Day 1 of reducing pain relief

It was a cold day today in Wellington!  I hate thinking about my girls going to school in the rain.
My parents are not well at the moment but they are doing their best to take care of me and my family.  The dinners have been awesome!!!  Will really miss my mum when she leaves.  I'm sure Dan will too :)  Interesting that she will not share any of her recipes though.  Greedy I think :)  It's funny hearing my parents with my girls.  My dad talks to them exactly how he used to talk to me and my brothers except without the ear-clipping :)  My mum has been great and taught them a new song which Mira has already begun to sing variations of and making us all laugh.

So today is Day 1 of reducing the pain relief.  I'm trying not to worry too much about the pain.  My body is aching and I do feel like I'm coming down with the cold.  My throat was sore yesterday and I have been feeling the hot flushes.  I'm going to have an early night tonight.  My body is aching.

But before I go...I was watching this programme about a couple on deathrow.  They were convicted of abducting and killing 13 girls and their son.  While the FBI were convinced that there were more girls killed they tried to get the locations of those girls out of the husband.  They were also convinced that the wife was the innocent party and believed that she did not kill their son.  The couple were to be electrocuted on the same night, an hour apart.  The husband first and then the wife.  The wife had always known that her son was alive which would prove her innocence and therefore she would not executed.  The FBI felt that she should be saved and therefore sought out her son and found him.  The wife had pleaded that she is at peace with the life that she lead with her husband and that she made the right choice in giving up her son (her husband thought she killed their son - which he wanted.).  She knew that if her son found out who his parents were it would influence his life.  He was adopted into a wealthy family who cared and loved him as their own.  He had won a scholarship and was an accomplished musician.  The FBI gave in to the wife's pleading and did not tell the boy who his mother was.  The wife was then executed with the peace that her son was free from her husband and living a good life.  One which she could not give.

Watching this programme I think about those women who had to give up their children because of whatever reason and how hard that decision would have been.  This happened to a good friend of mine. I felt sad for her when she would tell me how hard it was to give her away when she gave birth.  My friend was barely out of her teens herself but I remember seeing those tears that a mother would only have when they had lost their child.  The right thing to do would have been to reveal the son so that the wife/mother would be set free.  What a difficult decision for the wife/mother to make and for the FBI agent also.

I talk about choices and decision so much because a lot of us do not realise the power we have in making choices/decision in our lives.  We make choices every day.  What tooth paste to use.  Whether to make our bed in the morning.  Whether to have breakfast before we leave home.  No matter how big or small our choices are, these choices mould our character, our person.  For the wife/mother, the decision she made to give away her son so that her husband would not find out, moulded her into a strong woman, one of faith that her son will have a better life than the one that she could give.

I made a choice ten years ago to become a born again christian and my life has never been the same again.  Nor did I expect for my life to ever turn out the way it has thus far.  Illness or no illness I hope that my future will be one that is moulded from the good and Godly choices I make from today onwards and that my children and husband will be proud of.

Day 63 - Good news....

It was hard to believe when the nurse coordinator told me today that this would be my last week with the antibiotic infuser (picc line in my arm).  That would make this week my 6th week with this antibiotics! Wow!  I told the coordinator that the pain relief has worked really well so this week I can start weaning off the pain killers.  I was excited when I told Dan and I followed on with "Yay I can start exercising".  Well that idea was quickly squashed with his "but you still have to take it easy".  Oh poos :).

My girls stayed home today and hung out with my parents.  I slept in, until my nurse arrived.  She made it up my driveway.  Thankfully the driveway was dry so there wasn't going to be any slip 'n slides today!.  Remember those? slip 'n slides? who didn't use a tarpaulin and dish washing liquid?? there were plenty a skid marks during those summers :)  My brothers would know.

Interesting I received a number of calls today from one of the patients I met in hospital.  I must return her call tomorrow.  Also from an old school friend.  It was good to hear from them.  I can't believe that this is the last week of July.  I will be heading back to work soon.

I'm feeling really groggy today.  My throat is aching and I nose is all stuffy.  It felt nice to just sleep the day away while my parents took care of my girls.  They really enjoyed their time together.

I got to spend some time catching up with my mum in the "kitchen".  We talked about what's going on in our lives.  I asked her questions about her past.  It was nice that she quickly shared it with me.  The rest week I'm sure will reveal more about my parents upbringing.  I don't know why I never asked them before.

I've spent a bit of time on facebook today, as we do. :)  It's interesting to see how people use the "what's on your mind" field.  I think it can be used too literally.  It can be a dangerous thing to do so because as we are all unique our words can be interpreted differently.  Someone once said that once it is out there (on the internet), you can never get it back.  I begin to wonder when personal things (our situations) are hung out to dry on facebook or bebo for all to see, it begs the question do people have positive supporters in their lives to vent to? to share their thoughts with? Something to think think about.

Well today starts my 10pm curfew on the laptop :) so I'm going to do my best to stick to it especially now that things are looking better for me health-wise.  Praise God!

Aunty playing Blockus with my girls

Before I sign off, here are some pics of my gorgeous family who have helped out recently....

Story time

Ready to go into the oven

Baking cookies

Uncle Junior working on Project Driveway

Uncle Junior making his famous banana cake

Making cookies with their cousin

With their Uncle Ben

Trip to the laundromat with their Uncle Ben

Eating the dinner Uncle Ben made

Cooking dinner with Uncle Guido

Day 62 - The Eagles have landed...

My parents arrived safely this morning.  It was good to see them.  Thankfully the Wellington weather was good today hopefully giving my parents a taste of what the week may be like.  They looked really happy to see my girls.

Today my nurse met me at church to do my check-ups and exchange the infuser.  Funny that the message at church this morning was about praying.  My sister and I talked about how prayer is an important part of our daily lives and connects us to our Father each day.  Something that always needs improvement.  Over the years that Dan and I have led the youth a common question would come about how one should pray.  Jesus gives us a good example of what a prayer should consist of.  Basically I think a prayer can be looked at in four parts: Acknowledgement, Forgiveness, Our Needs and Thanks.  Often when we think of prayers, we think of formality, something that is said for the sake of saying it, can be without emotion.  I've learnt to pray in a way that feels comfortable to me.  My prayers are like an open conversation with someone.  I like to talk to God about anything and everything that is happening in my life.  First I acknowledge that He is an Almighty God and that He makes all things possible in my life.  I ask Him to forgive me for the things that I have done wrong.  I ask Him for help on specific things in my life.  I pray for people in my life.  I pray that there are opportunities for me to talk to people about Him.  I pray that I am an example of a good person.  Lastly I give thanks for everything in my life and for the path that he has laid out before that I am yet to walk down.  Our girls are now praying on their own before they sleep, when they wake in the morning and before each meal.  We have taught them a standard prayer but we encourage them to say what is in their hearts.  So there has been many a morning/night where blankets are prayed for, lip gloss is prayed for, and the socks on their feet is prayed for.  As funny and cute as these prayers sound what is most important is that these are spoken from the heart.  That is something that God really wants to hear from us in our prayer.  Though He knows everything that we think and feel it is by confessing with your mouth that makes your needs real to Him and to yourself.  It is the action that follows the thought that it just as important.

This week will be a challenge for me, or perhaps more of an opportunity to rid of old behaviours when I am with my parents.  I love my parents dearly for all that they have done for me and my brothers.  I've lived away from my family for so long that I have developed a set of skills, a new mindset, new behaviours that only those that surround me at the moment can understand.  So by taking my skills/new mindset/new behaviours and using them to communicate with my family can be hard.  With my brothers it is easier because they, of course are New Zealand born.  So I take on the opportunity to really talk with my parents about my life, their life but mostly to try and communicate to them my appreciation that they did the best they could to raise me and my brothers.  Have you ever told your mum or dad that you love them? that you are grateful for what they have done for you and your siblings even though you do not quite understand?

Dan and I went to a combined church service with other AOG churches in the Wellington region.  We enjoyed the service and caught up with many of our friends.  We later took the opportunity to spend some quality time together and went out for dinner. (My girls stayed with my parents).  It was really nice, and something I think we needed for some time.  We reminisced about when we were dating.  On the way home I asked Dan how he now feels about my illness.  He promptly told me that I could do with more rest and use my time efficiently during the day to study.  Well that just put a damper on our date night :) and here I was expecting something along the lines of a lovey-dovey response.  After some quick fire exchange we agreed that I will be aiming to go to bed at 10pm each night and Dan will work on his list also.  I always try to make an effort to ask Dan how he is feeling because I know that most of the time he tends to keep it to himself because he doesn't want to burden me or perhaps its because he says that I tend to ask him and then interrupt him and talk about something I've done or am feeling.  I'm sure it's not the latter :)

I enjoyed my time with Dan tonight.  We arrived home to find my parents watching telly, with the lounge heater on full blow and snuggled up with a couple of duvets.  My girls had gone to be only half an hour before we arrived.  It will be interesting to see whether they will wake up on time for school.

Well it's very late.  I am absolutely amazed at the rate this blog is being read by people.  100 hits overnight is amazing!  I'm typing away in bed and Dan interrupts me saying that my typing is really loud (everyone is asleep).  I replied that I am typing with PURPOSE! :)....and that purpose is to share with you the goodness that God is doing in my life in particular during this time that I am ill.

Day 61 - Great Planning Meeting & Red Nail Polish

Dan had organised a planning day with other youth leaders from our region.  The purpose of the day was to develop a plan of activities that will strengthen the youth groups.  It was a great meeting, with a good turn out.  We were blessed with scrumptious cupcakes with cream topped with strawberries and rice bubble slices courtesy of Mrs Tofae's little helpers :).  The meeting started off with a quick ice breaker playing "Bop It".  If you haven't played this game yet, then you should run down to your local Warehouse and get it.  It's great fun. My girls love playing it.  A really good way to exercise your left and right brain :)  The rest of the meeting went really well and we came up with some short, medium and long-term activities for our Unified youth groups.  Really encouraged by all who attended.  I have had in my heart to use my skills and knowledge in Human Resources in particular the area of development, in my service for God and thankfully the opportunity has come along.  I put my hand up to design various workshops that will run in the next year or so that will cover a number of areas that the group agreed is a need for our youth.  It's such a great feeling to be surrounded by people who support each other and encourage each other to step up to the mark.  I really enjoyed today's meeting and truly believe that God will move in our plans.

We then spent a couple of hours with our girls.  Dan and I always find it important that as much as we serve in our ministry we always let our girls know what's going.  Today they understood that we were in a meeting today for a period of time and that we needed them to be on their best behaviour and then following the meeting we will spend some time together.  By letting our girls know what's going on they don't feel any resentment towards us.  We show them how we must fulfil our commitments.  We always ensure that in our busy day of meetings, we make time with our girls.  We have always made the effort to do the best that we can to commit to what we say to our girls and in return they have done the same thing to us.

I spent some time thinking about the relationships I have with my family and friends in my life.  I am very fortunate at this age that I have the relationships that I have.  I have decided this year to let people know what I think/feel about things but in a way that my message will be received and in an appropriate time.  Often we say things at the wrong time and we never achieve what we set out to do.  But this year, I have decided that I am not going to withhold my feelings and let it boil inside me to the point where I begin to think the worst of the situation.  And to be honest, it is a great feeling to get things off my chest.  My relationships with people are a lot better because I have not allowed my feelings to stir within me.  I like to check in with people about our relationship and make sure that everything is okay.  I don't think this is about worrying too much, I think it's more about caring enough to change my attitude to improve the relationship and if things are still the same then I know that it isn't me that needed to change but at least I have done what I can.  I know that I am not perfect but I'd like to think that I am doing my best to improve things that matter to me in my life.

Later in the evening, my in-laws came over to watch some rugby game that was on :).  My sister and I were catching up in the kitchen.  With my family coming down in these past 3 weeks I haven't had a lot of time with her whereas normally we see each other almost everyday.  I love being in the kitchen.  Not because I like to cook or bake but I have the fondest memories in the kitchen. During family gatherings and church events I would be in the kitchen helping out which I didn't enjoy but it's the conversations that I had with family and friends that I always remember.  We would laugh and joke about things that have happened in our day, share personal secrets, sing random songs and just have fun.  So when my sister and I are in the kitchen we talk and laugh about a lot of things.  I always say what's said in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen :) A good snap with the towel was always fun too :)  When my sister used to complain about doing chores in the kitchen I would tell her about how I felt the same way but then enjoyed it because I had fun being with my cousins and just laughing and sharing things.  It definitely made our time in the kitchen go by a lot faster.  And now my sister smiles more than she frowns in the kitchen :).

My parents arrive tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to having them here and spending time with my girls.  I'm going to pitch my idea to my dad about building steps on the margin of our steep driveway.  If he agrees, he'll have to work pretty fast 'cause he's not here for very long :)  I received a text from my cousin who will be flying down to help out in a couple of weeks.  I laughed when she asked in her text whether she had to cook because now she thinks she can't after reading all the good things that I've written about others who have cooked for us.  Ha!

I'm looking forward to church service tomorrow.  I have ironed my girls clothes and mine.  Dan irons his own clothes :)  It's going to be a good day tomorrow.  I really believe that I am a lot better now, and nothing like I was 60 days ago :)  Thank you so much for your prayers and support during this time.    I have received a lot of feedback about this blog and am so blessed to hear what people have thought about it and the things that really touched them.  I met one of Dan's friends at the mall today who told me that she had just finished ready this blog and she felt inspired.  I have had family who I didn't think would be reading this blog that are following this also and just feel really humbled by their comments.  To God be all the Glory for the goodness that He has done in my life.  Without Him I cannot do anything in my life.  I am a living testimony that with Jesus as my Saviour all things are good in my life.

So with preparing my clothes for church tomorrow I have splashed a dark shade of red on my nails for an inexpensive pamper and look forward to the new day that awaits me when the sun rises!!