It took for my husband to plead with me to take things slow for me to finally realise that I'm still taking on too much.
It has been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed with a spinal infection that would've left me paralysed from the waist down or at its worst, no longer be here and yet it still did not register with me what the impact on my family would've been.
I was talking with my husband about wanting to do something mid-year at church and working with young people. While mindful that I still have my assignment to do that is due on Monday (already extended), photo jobs to finish (well overdue), commitments at work as well as family and church commitments. It was beginning to bother me that in sharing some ideas for church with him I was not receiving any kind of support from him but instead listened to his frustration about taking so much on. When he talked about my health, in my mind and my heart I felt like "oh health, schmealth. What is health?" and feeling that my health was getting in the way of wanting to serve my great GOD.
Now I fully understand the importance of taking care of oneself so that I can serve God longer but it just was not in my list of priorities right now. I know that sounds so silly but I'm the kind of person that when I set my mind to doing something especially when I feel strongly about it, I will do my best to see it through. But it was all at a cost - my health!
Our heated conversation quickly came to a stop despite trying to seek further clarification from him about what he was feeling. And in that awkward silence I was trying to understand what it was about me that wasn't taking the messages, the warnings from my husband, my family and friends to take it easy. Had this been happening to someone else, of course I would feel a little frustrated in telling them to take it easy but instead they did the opposite and did almost everything under the sun on their list. But the message just wasn't sinking in with me.
And then it dawned on me. I love my GOD and absolutely believe in what He can do for me and my family. Referring to the 5 Love Languages, my love language is Service. I feel that my way of expressing my love to God is by serving Him by any means. For my husband or anyone for that matter to tell me to take it easy especially when it comes to doing things at church (in my mind serving God) I felt like I was being told to not express my love for Him.
I do so much for my God because I absolutely love Him and He has given me no reason to believe that my life can be better without Him. And so I serve Him with every ounce of energy in my body. And yet as I am of the flesh, I do not realise how much of a strain it is taking on my body. My husband felt that I was being selfish in doing so much and not thinking about our family in the sense that I was driving myself into the ground. When he said that I couldn't understand how serving God was being selfish when I'm thinking that what I do are acts of selflessness instead. He felt that I always do above and beyond and again I was confused because I felt like ..."well isn't that how it should be?".
In previous blogs I wrote about feeling that I did not deserve to rest and that I should always be working hard. I know that what I'm feeling is definitely not about that. I am confident that what I do at church and in my service to God is not to please others but to only please my God. But the message/advice my husband gave me was to serve within my capacity. Even in the bible it talks of the great men of God having to delegate to others. I am of the mindset that if nobody does it then who will?. And yet I always...ALWAYS feel that... well if nobody does it then I will.
I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I do push myself really hard. But I think on this occasion I really need to take things at a slower pace. There's a reason why our journey with Jesus is called a "walk".
One Step at a Time.
xxxxxxx
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
When the feeling of failure settles in...
Now I know better to allow any feeling of failure settle into my mind and heart after such an awesome weekend of servitude and blessings! But at the moment the feelings are settling in.
So this weekend past was my first Sunday preaching. Not that it should matter what day of the week you preach, because the day of the week is irrelevant. I preached a message about "Becoming a ChangeThinker" at our first BUILD UP service which our youth group Bless'Em organised. It has been such a full-on week which has definitely led me to over-exert myself. Not because I wouldn't delegate to others and share the load. But because I had a standard, and expectation of how the first service should be and so I did my best to see that through. Evaluating the weeks leading up to the service and the service itself, I think miscalculated the importance of certain things among others.
I am trying to develop a style of preaching that allows me to be frank, honest and relate-able. Developing this new style has helped me to control my emotions when I preach. It's so difficult to do when I talk about how great my God is. What triggers my emotions is the desperation to convince people that a life with God is so good, and that they are really missing out.
I received a lot of positive feedback but I couldn't help but feel surprised because I doubted myself straight away. Now I know that is really stupid and I'm not writing this to get sympathy comments from people. But I am putting it out there and wonder whether other preachers feel the same. The feeling of..."Did I do a good job?".
Now knowing that if this was someone else sharing this with me, I would say to not doubt yourself. If you feel that the message you received is one that you felt God wanted to share then there is no room for doubt. The result was that there were 9 souls saved. Not that it was due solely to the Word, but a collective ministering by the youth....well actually only God will really know what part of the service really touched these 9 souls.
I know I'm being really silly. I did not fail. I set out to do my best. My aim was to set the standard/expectation on organising a service that reflects the perspective of Kingdom residents. I believe I achieved that. My hope is that it really has encouraged our congregation to widen their perspective in serving God with a renewed mind.
My encouragement from last night's service was based on Romans 12:2 NLT. It will take time to come to understand God fully. For some of us it will take a lifetime, for others much sooner. But once we make the decision, once we change our minds to allow Him to make a dramatic change in our lives, we will see in His timing how GOOD and PLEASING and PERFECT our life can be with Him. And it will be so great that we will want to tell others about it.
My life is good right now. It is a journey that I'm taking. And I'm prepared to put in the hard work. I have done what I can in my service. Now it's time to do things for myself, and get my personal goals back into perspective. The next time I preach....I aim to be smaller physically, bigger spiritually and mentally!!!
Be encouraged xxxxx
So this weekend past was my first Sunday preaching. Not that it should matter what day of the week you preach, because the day of the week is irrelevant. I preached a message about "Becoming a ChangeThinker" at our first BUILD UP service which our youth group Bless'Em organised. It has been such a full-on week which has definitely led me to over-exert myself. Not because I wouldn't delegate to others and share the load. But because I had a standard, and expectation of how the first service should be and so I did my best to see that through. Evaluating the weeks leading up to the service and the service itself, I think miscalculated the importance of certain things among others.
I am trying to develop a style of preaching that allows me to be frank, honest and relate-able. Developing this new style has helped me to control my emotions when I preach. It's so difficult to do when I talk about how great my God is. What triggers my emotions is the desperation to convince people that a life with God is so good, and that they are really missing out.
I received a lot of positive feedback but I couldn't help but feel surprised because I doubted myself straight away. Now I know that is really stupid and I'm not writing this to get sympathy comments from people. But I am putting it out there and wonder whether other preachers feel the same. The feeling of..."Did I do a good job?".
Now knowing that if this was someone else sharing this with me, I would say to not doubt yourself. If you feel that the message you received is one that you felt God wanted to share then there is no room for doubt. The result was that there were 9 souls saved. Not that it was due solely to the Word, but a collective ministering by the youth....well actually only God will really know what part of the service really touched these 9 souls.
I know I'm being really silly. I did not fail. I set out to do my best. My aim was to set the standard/expectation on organising a service that reflects the perspective of Kingdom residents. I believe I achieved that. My hope is that it really has encouraged our congregation to widen their perspective in serving God with a renewed mind.
My encouragement from last night's service was based on Romans 12:2 NLT. It will take time to come to understand God fully. For some of us it will take a lifetime, for others much sooner. But once we make the decision, once we change our minds to allow Him to make a dramatic change in our lives, we will see in His timing how GOOD and PLEASING and PERFECT our life can be with Him. And it will be so great that we will want to tell others about it.
My life is good right now. It is a journey that I'm taking. And I'm prepared to put in the hard work. I have done what I can in my service. Now it's time to do things for myself, and get my personal goals back into perspective. The next time I preach....I aim to be smaller physically, bigger spiritually and mentally!!!
Be encouraged xxxxx
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