It took for my husband to plead with me to take things slow for me to finally realise that I'm still taking on too much.
It has been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed with a spinal infection that would've left me paralysed from the waist down or at its worst, no longer be here and yet it still did not register with me what the impact on my family would've been.
I was talking with my husband about wanting to do something mid-year at church and working with young people. While mindful that I still have my assignment to do that is due on Monday (already extended), photo jobs to finish (well overdue), commitments at work as well as family and church commitments. It was beginning to bother me that in sharing some ideas for church with him I was not receiving any kind of support from him but instead listened to his frustration about taking so much on. When he talked about my health, in my mind and my heart I felt like "oh health, schmealth. What is health?" and feeling that my health was getting in the way of wanting to serve my great GOD.
Now I fully understand the importance of taking care of oneself so that I can serve God longer but it just was not in my list of priorities right now. I know that sounds so silly but I'm the kind of person that when I set my mind to doing something especially when I feel strongly about it, I will do my best to see it through. But it was all at a cost - my health!
Our heated conversation quickly came to a stop despite trying to seek further clarification from him about what he was feeling. And in that awkward silence I was trying to understand what it was about me that wasn't taking the messages, the warnings from my husband, my family and friends to take it easy. Had this been happening to someone else, of course I would feel a little frustrated in telling them to take it easy but instead they did the opposite and did almost everything under the sun on their list. But the message just wasn't sinking in with me.
And then it dawned on me. I love my GOD and absolutely believe in what He can do for me and my family. Referring to the 5 Love Languages, my love language is Service. I feel that my way of expressing my love to God is by serving Him by any means. For my husband or anyone for that matter to tell me to take it easy especially when it comes to doing things at church (in my mind serving God) I felt like I was being told to not express my love for Him.
I do so much for my God because I absolutely love Him and He has given me no reason to believe that my life can be better without Him. And so I serve Him with every ounce of energy in my body. And yet as I am of the flesh, I do not realise how much of a strain it is taking on my body. My husband felt that I was being selfish in doing so much and not thinking about our family in the sense that I was driving myself into the ground. When he said that I couldn't understand how serving God was being selfish when I'm thinking that what I do are acts of selflessness instead. He felt that I always do above and beyond and again I was confused because I felt like ..."well isn't that how it should be?".
In previous blogs I wrote about feeling that I did not deserve to rest and that I should always be working hard. I know that what I'm feeling is definitely not about that. I am confident that what I do at church and in my service to God is not to please others but to only please my God. But the message/advice my husband gave me was to serve within my capacity. Even in the bible it talks of the great men of God having to delegate to others. I am of the mindset that if nobody does it then who will?. And yet I always...ALWAYS feel that... well if nobody does it then I will.
I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I do push myself really hard. But I think on this occasion I really need to take things at a slower pace. There's a reason why our journey with Jesus is called a "walk".
One Step at a Time.
xxxxxxx
amen!
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