Learning to Love Myself....

I am now into week 4 of my leave and feel only now I am winding down.  The past few days has been a real struggle for me.  As my post is headed, I am learning to love myself again.  Actually I don't think I ever really loved myself before.  I watched with my husband the other night an old episode of Extreme Weight Makeover or something like that, about a candidate who needed to lose 250 pounds.  I was shocked at how someone could allow themselves to get to such a size and then I remembered a status post from one of my friends on facebook.  She has committed herself to eating right and exercising regularly. No more sitting in front of the telly and watching everyone else do it on Biggest Loser etc.  I totally agree with her.  It's so easy for me to sit and watch other people go through all the sweat and tears.  It is such an effort for me to try and go at it myself.

I weighed myself the other morning and was shocked...well not completely because I knew that the results were going to be bad.  But I never thought I would ever allow myself to get to this weight.  I remember when my mum was over 130kgs and thinking she had to do something about it.  And now weighing more than what she was (she has since lost more than 20kgs gradually over 2 years), I'm feeling really down about myself.

I have had my husband, and close friends and family encourage me, give me tips and routines over the years but it just never stuck.  I would do really well for a couple of weeks and then slack off again.  I've tried mainstream weight loss programmes and that went well and had lost up to 11kgs.  But then piled it back on again gradually over time.

I was really kicked in the stomach when I told my husband how much I weighed and when disappointed by his reaction or lack of, I got really angry when I told I felt that he didn't care.  His response was..."I've just given up trying to help you"....I know that I pushed him into responding that way but of all people to hear it from.  I was really sad.  I angrily began to throw every bit of junk (not that there was much anyway) out of our fridge.  My husband apologised later but by that time I knew that I wasn't angry at him.  I was angry at myself.  There was something that candidate said in that Extreme Weight Makeover programme.  He said that he realised the problem was that he didn't love himself enough.

I thought about what he said, and realised a number of things in my life.  I am a bit of a people pleaser in the sense that I will do anything if it means to please God and that has been through doing things for people of late.  I once told someone that I keep myself busy because I don't feel worthy to rest.  I seek attention from people for the things I do because growing up I thought that I wasn't getting that attention from people in my life.  I substituted gratification from people for love.  I don't think I pity myself but I am learning more about myself to be a better wife, mum, daughter, sister and friend.

I know that loving myself more will help rebuild my relationship with my girls.  I know that my grumpiness and stress levels is partially due to my lack of health.  So I know that my taking care of my "temple" everything else will fall into place.  My eldest has shared with her dad that she is afraid to be around me because I am so grumpy and expect so much of her. :(

I have always believed that by confessing with your mouth, puts it out there that something needs to be done.  I do not like making promises that I cannot keep.  But this promise I really need to work hard at.  I hope from this post, you will understand that where a problem persists and you thought you had the reasons for these problems arising, there is definitely something deeper.  At face value I thought my issues with my weight was to do with not having enough time to take care of myself, but I realise now that the deeper reason is that I have not loved myself enough to do something about it.

So with that said, I am about to make known to anyone that reads this that at 33 years of age....my weight is now 138kgs.  It breaks my heart that I am letting people know that I have allowed myself to get to this point, but I believe I really need to get myself right.  A good friend once told me that it is biblical to write down my goals and plans.

So my goal is that by the time my graduation comes around in May 2012, I will be in a healthy position which will mean that I will be a happier servant of God, happier wife and happier mum.

I will aim to log in and post anything to keep my mind focussed.  Whether it's one word or one sentence I will keep logging in my progress.

It's time to change!!!!! xxx