Raw Emotion...

I spent the first half of my day catching up on X-Factor episodes.  What an emotional rollercoaster!
I couldn't stop crying.  To see such raw emotion stemming from the determination of each contestant.  How could you watch and not feel how this journey is affecting them.  One of the judges had said to one of my favs Leroy Bell, that they weren't sure if he wanted it bad enough despite having all the goods.  I thought about that. I know I've asked myself that question before when I started this new journey in my life.  Do I want it bad enough?  I thought I did, but I don't really.  I'm not wanting it bad enough to make my new habits stick.  The old habits are still there.  Holding on for dear life.  Laughing at the thought of me ever even trying to make better of this life.

And just when I think about my healthy journey I come across one of many photographers that I follow and read their blog about a good friend of theirs going through their fitness journey.  Check it out here: http://sweethopephotography.blogspot.com/.  Are my goals not clear enough?  I know that internally I'm feeling good.  Feeling better about myself.  I went through the whole decluttering stage.  I'm becoming more active than usual which is pretty good I think.  I could shoot myself in the foot with the lack of sleep I have and the lack of organisation that I'm not eating proper meals or drinking enough water.  I'm told I need to burn more calories than I eat.  At the moment I'm eating more than I burn.  So that in the end my friend is called a size 26! ...okay I can joke. I have dropped down 1 - 2 sizes.  Originally my pants sizes were from 24 - 26, but now 20 - 22.  :)  I'm happy about that...but it is still far away from revealing the real me.

Thinking about feeling empathetic towards the X-Factor contestants, we feel connected and gain a deeper understanding.  But when we put ourselves in their shoes I think at times through experiences and influences in our lives we harden ourselves to feeling anything.  I think about my journey and at times, as bad as I feel I want to improve my life I don't feel like I can cry about it.

I know what it is.....

As much as I try to declare it, I am not relying on God to see me through this journey.  I don't talk to Him.  I don't ask Him to help me.  Sometimes I think it's not something that I would want to bother Him with.  As if I would only ask Him of things that really mean something.  There you go....I really don't want this bad enough.  To ask God to help me in this journey, would confirm that this is a really big thing and that I can't do this on my own.  there are a few things going on in my life at the moment, that are a slight distraction from this journey.  And yet, I still don't ask Him for help.  I talked about the encouragement that I received on the weekend.  "Seek and You shall find.  Ask and You shall receive"...

I'm sitting at my desk in my bedroom and looking around I see a book titled "First Things First".....yes first things first.....I need to pray about my situation.....There is more to life than good deeds, and good deeds can only get you so far.  You need, I need God to take me the rest of the way.

Tonight...I know exactly what I need to do.... xxxxx