Day 42 cont...- Living and Walking in the Spirit

Something came to mind this afternoon that had me thinking.  How am I portraying my illness to people?  What do they imagine when they read my words?  Am I being true or am I making this illness out to be something like I am on my death bed?  I mentioned earlier that I had begun to think that my illness was some kind of phantom pain that I was feeling.

Thoughts of doubt crept into my mind,  laughing off the reality that I am really sick and it isn't an illness that will require a special pill for it to disappear overnight. These thoughts settled into my subconscious and brought me to believe that I was strong enough to get Mira's clothes ready for school tomorrow, prepare part of her lunch and prepare dinner for my girls.  All the bending and twisting that my nurses warned me about that it would aggravate my back was happening while I was getting things ready.  I tried to get as much as I could done before the pain started creep into my back and gradually throb in my chest.  I took some pain relief and sat down and started to sob kicking myself for doubting how ill I am and trying to push my body beyond its current abilities.  Do I really need to have external wounds to match the description I give people to be believed?  If you are like me there are times where I can feel so confident about something and be so sure of myself that when something is said to me from some trusted source then slowly things begin to go out the window and then I push myself to prove that I can still be a SUPERWOMAN!!  Argh! It must be that time of the month for me to feel like I've been hit in a number of directions that have a negative impact on my progress mentally and spiritually.

I think I set expectations too high for people only to have them disappoint me.  It's like teaching someone to do something and you only half teach them the lesson and then expect them to complete it!  I am just setting myself up!  It is one of my faults to do this, to set high expectations that is.  I'm grateful that I can recognise my faults before any damage can be done.  It's just something that I know I have to work on.  I hope that you know yourself well enough to recognise your faults.

I received some bad news today (not to do with my illness) that has left me quite emotional.  I started to break down and my eldest Bethany walked towards me and was rubbing my back telling me that everything's okay.  She then reached for a gift that one of Dan's cousins bought for me.  A devotional calendar.  And Dan helped her find today's devotional.  It says "If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit". Galatians 5:25 Hearing my daughter read that to me and telling me "Mummy if you ever feel sad just grab this and read it" helped to wipe the tears off my face.  My sister-in-law Liz (Dan's sister) who I love dearly encouraged me not to let go of the strength I have so far and believe that I am not well but I will get through it.  Do not let any doubt come into your mind and enter your heart!.  My sister-in-law is 15yo.

Having reflected on these words of encouragement and contemplated on what sparked me to once again step out in Super Woman's ensemble I leave you with this:

There is NO PLACE for Doubt in your heart and your mind

when your heart and mind is filled with LOVE, FAITH AND STRENGTH!

God bless